Have been on the board following everyones journeys, and will continue to do so.
As for me? I think i'm done. In the last couple of weeks, things have crystallized to the extent i have been questioning what i want, what changes are being enforced on me by W and all the rest of it. We went to mediation 20th Jan, since then my W has been on a mission to try and move things on quickly with the result that one of us is looking for somewhere to live. Net result is she has funding in place to take on mortgage, whilst i settle elsewhere, get into the groove of co-parenting and kids get used to spending 50/50 time with us both. Prior to now neither of us had this option, hence remaining IHS, however i believe she has significant funding help from her parents.
Before now, i was in the place of standing, being the lighthouse to essentially enable an option to R whilst IHS. Now, i'm not sure i want to R, throughout DBing, GAL and detaching i have monitored my increasing ambivalence to any related to my W. I have noted particularly that she has not once asked about my depression, the steps i have taken with it, the counselling nor attempted to even understand the affect it had on me and consequently our R. Since BD she has consistently used it as a tool to bad mouth me, I understand a WAS will re-write history to suit the current narrative, but the complete lack of any empathy shows me a person that really doesn't care. And as i look back i also realise that i have lived with someone who is incredibly self absorbed, selfish and who will only act out of self interest. These traits are even more pronounced now.
I'm now finding myself actually wanting to leave, a mixture of guilt that the kids will now lead a life with parents living separately but consoling myself i did my best to hold on. I just can't do it anymore. I have detached so much, that i can't stand the limbo. Of course i'm mindful that this position of walking away might seem appealing to a WAS, but in my case i don't believe it will do so and even if it did i would make her jump through hoops to even consider anything remotely close to a R.
Reading this all back, i just feel empty. It hasn't turned out how i thought it might, but i'm ok with that now. Who knows what is around the corner, good times i hope, certainly i look forward to spending quality time with my kids and do my best for them without this black cloud hanging over me.
I will stay on the board, because so many people have been so amazing, so helpful and restored my faith in humanity that people really do care. You are a special bunch of guys/gals on here and hopefully i can pay it forward with someone elses story.
