Well I'm glad I'm not the only one suffering from jealousy and then guilt over the jealousy! I think it's just seeing that they are capable of reaching out and showing love, but refuse to do so with you, that's the source for me. Anyway, ds1 will be fine financially, it's all very exciting. Ds2 might struggle most with ds1 leaving home, but luckily it's not too far so they can see each other still, they have a beautiful bond so I think they will remain close.
Last weekend H said he was coming home to do his sport so I expected him at 10. He turned up at 11.30 and I had already gone out to run some errands, I was annoyed that he hadn't bothered letting me know he would be late. Such a lack of respect or consideration. I probably responded passive-aggressively, and H in turn got annoyed with me and said he wasn't feeling well and couldn't handle me being angry with him. I did not deal with this very well, I'm sick of him expecting me to wait about for his crumbs which are getting even fewer with his 2 jobs and health problems. I feel like a doormat (IW I'm glad not to be alone, this standing is more a process of standing, walking away, giving up, then circling back and standing again, I veer between compassion and anger, though mostly those are lessening over time). H did try to repair a bit before he left by asking about some stuff I'm doing, I didn't really respond.
In the evening I went to the pub and started playing pool with a bunch of regulars there. I got chatting with a smoking hot chap and he was seriously chatting me up. Not only was he smoking hot but he was 15 years younger! Oh my. That is good for a perimenopausal woman's ego, let me tell you He admired my lovely new dress (didn't even cross H's mind I think) and we had a good old flirt, left each other with a hug but I restrained myself from anything more even though I was drunk and very tempted. I might never see him again, if I do I should be honest about my sitch.
I went to see a careers counsellor about my next steps. We came up with some ideas which will require a lot of determination and hustling, but starting my own business will allow me the flexibility I need as a single mum as well as fulfilling my needs to make use of my skills and knowledge and contribute to making people's lives better. It's daunting but I am a determined person I've also had a nice week doing my art, I was literally smiling all the way through my classes puzzling through different ways of doing things.
I pondered over last weekend and feel the need to be more assertive with H. Avoiding him is not a great option, we have things to discuss about kids and houses etc and we do that better in person. So I texted him and said I'm doing a race this weekend and he is welcome to join me but otherwise if he wants to see me he can suggest something else. The ball is in his court. If he doesn't then fine, I just keep doing my thing. So far there have been very few times when I have suggested meeting up when he has refused, he usually suggests an alternative. But I'm sick of doing the running. If he is feeling too sick and overwhelmed with work to meet me then I don't want to see him. I have not really enjoyed seeing him lately anyway, he has been fairly miserable and has complained and been short tempered. Not his best self by a long chalk but that is his choice. And I deserve the best
He admired my lovely new dress (didn't even cross H's mind I think) and we had a good old flirt, left each other with a hug but I restrained myself from anything more even though I was drunk and very tempted. I might never see him again, if I do I should be honest about my sitch. 