Thank you so much for your responses and empathy. As you can imagine, last night was very difficult and even trying at all today to be productive is impossible. But I need to feel what I feel, as hard as it is, and not run from it. And it hurts. A lot.
I've been trying to monitor my thoughts, and whenever they start to get into a painful place, like remembering a time when we were happy or feeling hopeless, I immediately try to counter it with this mantra: I'm strong, I'm successful, and I'm resilient. It's been helpful.
There's so many hard parts about this. I never, ever thought it would end like this. We were married, we loved each other - we were supposed to work it out, and never stop fighting to make it work. I don't know what made me think we were different; D was something that happened to other people, because they gave up, and because they didn't have what we had.
Now I'm losing 75% of my family, and I'm losing the life I thought for sure I was going to live. The worst part is, I don't even really know why. All I got from WAW when she decided to S was that she needed space. In the absence of any more information than that, all I can do is beat myself up over things I wish I would have done differently, times I wish we didn't argue, times I regret not being a better partner.
I'm trying to get through the rest of the day by telling myself that it's not over, and that really, nothing has changed. What she told her cousins was probably how she felt all along, and while it hurts that it was said, until I have papers in front of me, it's all just conversation. Some people do change their minds when they're right up against it. Some people go through with it, and realize that it didn't make them happier, that it's not what they wanted. I'd be lying to you and myself if I said that she seems unhappy with her life currently; she enjoys her new job, and despite the workload, she has really found something in local politics that makes her happy. Of course, I wasn't blocking her from any of those things and her finding happiness in those arenas has nothing to do with me. But it is what it is - there's just zero chance she's thinking she was happier focusing on her art and with less direction in her life.
As for me, I'm just trying to make it through the day. I do know that I will love again, I do know I'll be happy again, and yes, I do know that I'm a catch with a lot of attractive qualities. I don't struggle with that. I just don't understand what happened and it's hurts so much that the person I love and want to be with doesn't want to be with me. It just changed so, so quickly.
