I cheated, we survived, now my wife's cheating

[JC08]

I would love to hear opinions on the above interaction. Im really trying to detach, not let her actions or emotions affect me, but it is difficult for me. 16 years of always being there to comfort her and take care of things for her. Yes in some regards I helped create her selfishness in our relationship. It's not an excuse for my actions, but I bent over backwards for her, her schedule, her wants, and mine always got pushed to the rear. I took the cowardly way by finding appreciation and validation from someone else instead of making her step up and us having real conversations with solutions that got implemented, but I didn't. Now I feel she's on that same selfish path and I'm still doing a good job of letting her dominate my schedule, my priorities, and I find it a hard thing to stop, but I think I'm realizing it, and starting to do a better job of setting boundaries.

With this job change if her schedule is close to how it use to be, it's going to be a nightmare with the split household. It will be a ever changing schedule, it will mess up my kids set patterns again, only much worse during the week. She has to know that the schedule is going to be a challenge, she keeps asking me if we can be flexible enough with our schedules to make it work. 1.) You don't even know what your schedule is going to be, so I am not going to give the blanket answer if yes. 2.) Remember, you decided that a life without me and the OM was a better option. Your work schedule and how to handle kids schedules during HER time is no longer my responsibility. Before this, her schedule dominated my schedule, I'm sure she expects the same now. 3.) She made this decision to change jobs and screw up a good/easy kid schedule. She made the decision to remove me as her husband, therefore removed my responsibilities towards her, her schedule, my life and my schedule is now my priority. 4.) I feel like us somewhat a selfish decision, her current job hit some difficulty, instead if staying and getting things straightened out, she's running off for greener pastures. The reason we/she made the job change 4 years ago was because retail work is a horrible schedule for families. Her current job, is great/perfect for a family. Flexible, no weekends or evenings, and lots of vacation that can be used at will. And she knows that but wants to make sure I'm still going to be there to simplify things for HER!

The more I think about it, the madder I get. Remember, you fired me, this is not my obligation or responsibility. My responsibility is to take care of my kids on my scheduled days. I shouldn't have to change schedules or be flexible to accommodate her schedule. I know I always have, I'm sure that is what she expects, and truthfully it's going to be hard for me not to just do what I've always done, but dammit divorce has consequences.

I seen this advice somewhere and I saved it, seems like a lot of truth to it when I apply it to my wife and things she has said.

It is an approved maxim in war, never do what the enemy wishes you to do, for this reason alone he desires it.- Napoleon I


She wishes you to be amicable and cooperate.

She wishes you to be neglectful of her emotional needs. It fuels and justifies her decisions.

She wishes you have angry outbursts and disrespectful judgments. It fuels and justifies her decisions.

She wishes you to be needy, clingy, depressed and pathetic. It fuels and justifies her decisions.

And most of all, she wishes you will keep the adultery, "Your little secret."

Go with Napoleon on this one.

She does this so you will go quietly into the night and become a "friendly" co-parent and support and enable her adultery.

Don't fall for this. She is just buying time with it. Let her know that if this is her plan, her "friend" is about to become the equivalent of a pissed off wounded Grizzly Bear. And she's the one who stuck it in the ass with a penknife.

There is a very common theme among the many former wayward wives that this board is so blessed to have. That is, the beginning of their wake up call from this self imposed nightmare began when their betrayed husbands manned-up, stood up and in no uncertain terms proudly made it firm and clear, that there is no room for another man in his life or his kid's life.

Wayward wives have NO respect for their betrayed husbands. Start getting that back today.

So is my current outlook with my situation completely off base? Am I just being bitter and vindictive? Or am I starting to realize that bending over backwards is what she wants, what I have always done, and helped get me to this spot and that behavior needs to stop and me start making my needs and life a priority, not hers.