I can't help but feel conflicted over this. On one hand, I know detachment is the best move right now. On the other, I do not want to disappoint / betray my in laws. Especially when they have given me their support. So I need advice on a few matters:
As I mentioned, they have invited me to several upcoming family events and now have to turn them down. What is the best way to do this? I care about them and I do not want to appear cold or harsh. Should I be honest and explain to tell them that I am DB-ing?
Don't say anything to them about DB'ing. Just tell them that you love them and appreciate their kind gestures, but given the situation between W and you right now that you feel it's inappropriate for you to continue going to these events for now, but you are hopeful that things will be better in the future. Tell them you and W both need space to think about things. If they continue to push you then just state that you've already made your decision and you hope that they respect and honor that in this difficult time.
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This is a bit more specific - W's niece has a birthday this weekend. I plan to decline the invite but I'll am planning to buy the niece a present. Maybe I'll just pass the present to my in laws. Is this an acceptable move? Or does it still look like pursuit and pressuring to W?
As the others said, pass the gift along.
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W's parents are religious people and they view this as a spiritual problem (i.e. something is wrong with W, an evil spirit is possessing her, something along those lines). I don't really buy into these things as I personally think it's something psychological.
A religious person describing it as a spiritual problem is frankly not a lot different than a doctor describing is as a psychological problem though. It's just two different ways to describe the same ailment.
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They have been hiring people to give "spiritual treatment" to W. These treatments are harmless, but I think it is giving pressure to W. I wonder if there are vets here that had a similar thing, and what is their advice on it.
Let them do what they are going to do. The pressure is from them, not you. And it's likely to drive her farther away from them. STAY OUT OF IT. Don't offer advice to her or to them, just let them do what they are going to do. You should remain completely neutral on the matter.
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W has expressed that she would want to still be able to see my parents. Should I let her?
Tell her she is welcome to communicate with them, but you don't want her joining in any joint activities with you and your parents. No parties or family get-togethers. Tell your parents as well, that you have no objections to them continuing to communicate with her but do not talk to her about the M or your R at all. And also ask them not to invite her to any family functions for now. Similar to the talk with your in-laws, you can explain that you hope this is temporary but you feel it's necessary given the situation and will help both you and your W to think about things with better clarity.
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I also mentioned, W and I worked at the same place. She occasionally buys me food. Should I ask her to stop? I believe she is buying it for personal reasons i.e. doing it as a good deed to counteract her "sins".
No that's fine. If she wants to pursue you, do favors of whatever, let it happen. Just don't have any expectations that it means anything, because it's probably just "pity" like you suspect.
