I find it hard to detach sometimes because I always fall back into thinking what should have been: I should be happily married, laughing with W, had a good honeymoon, new family, new life. But here I am. Having only felt only five days of blissful married life and then everything broke down. It is what it is, I suppose.
I brought the both of us to an IC earlier on in my sitch (Dec 2019). We had two sessions, then we haven't gone since. I did mention to her earlier this month to go see the IC again and gave her the freedom to set up an appointment whenever she wants. She needs it more than I do since she said she have "problems" and felt "broken". She expressed her willingness to go at the time.
It's been three weeks since then and she hasn't gone to the IC. I am concerned, however I will not press the issue. It's her problem, not mine. I should focus on myself at the moment.
One of the things that I realized during my sitch was something that I always have heard, but really started to understand is the old saying "Life's not fair."
And there are two ways to look at your sitch in the frame of "life's not fair". Yes the specific circumstances of your sitch are tough, no question. But would you rather she go along with the marriage, unhappy, for the next 20 years, and then pull the plug? I feel that was my sitch. I think my W started having doubts not too long after our wedding. I think she saw getting married as the destination instead of the beginning of a journey. For 20 years we had fits, starts and stops, problems, anger, resentment, passive-aggressiveness, strife because of these doubts, and her wrong idea of getting married, being married, and marriage in general. I think there was a limerance addiction she had and once we settled into the drudgery of married life, she started to regret her headlong rush to get married. About 9 months into our R she started making noise about wanting to get married. As if getting married were the prize, the goal, but she really didn't have a plan after that.
So as much as it would have hurt for her to pull the plug early on in the marriage, how much more pain and agony did I endure because she waited 20 years to finally throw in the towel? When we had a child, and were heavily invested in each other's lives in all the ways 2 people that are together for 2 decades are. You talk about being attached to her family, imagine knowing them for 22 years?? Now let's juxtapose my sitch with yours. Imagine that you pull the plug yourself, decide to move on, follow through on D, and start dating. Meet a gorgeous new woman, date for a couple of years, get married, have kids and spend the next 2 decades in a healthy, happy marriage. Which one of the two guys, you or me, would you want to be?
So while right now you have an attitude of "why me"? In 20 years you may turnaround and realize what a gift she has given you! That being married to someone who doesn't want to be married for 2 decades would be a lot of pain, frustration, anger, and turmoil. That someone in my sitch 2 years ago would have jumped at the opportunity to have had their WAW/WW that apparently never wanted to be married to them to have 5 days in pulled the plug so that they could have moved on, while young, to a happier life. So while you are in tremendous pain, it is similar to removing a bandaid. Would you want someone, 5 days in, to start slowly pulling that bandaid and prolong the pain for 20 years? Or to have someone 5 days in, just rip it off and have it over with quickly?
Just thought I would share that perspective in light of your latest post.
I'll pray for you man, that you may find inner-peace no matter the outcome of your MR.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
