Thanks DnJ for the title of my new thread. I really like it.
Last night was kinda tough. Got into a texting conversation with Jack. It seems he isn’t taking the break up as well as I hoped. He misses me. He doesn’t think I realize how much I mean to him and that he’s sorry he didn’t make me feel that and that he doesn’t think I understand how far he would go for me...not sure what that means. I basically reiterated the reasons I made the decision I did. That love is not enough. That we are too different and at different stages in our lives and that I have learned the hard way that those things matter. That the things you overlook at the start of a relationship are things that start to matter more and more as time goes on. Sigh...while I think he does, on some level, get where I am coming from, it is not the same for him and I think when I told him I had to go to bed, he wasn’t feeling any better. In fact, he may have been feeling worse and also a little bit mad. I am sad about it. I wished it had been more mutual than it was. I just know that I am right and that long term I would have been unhappy. I need more from a partner than what he was able to give and I’m not going to settle. Anyway, I told him that I hoped in time we could be friends but I’m not holding my breath on that. I don’t think he could manage that right now.
Coincidentally, while I was texting with Jack, Brook sent me a text. I hadn’t heard from him since Sunday night and I had sent him a Bitmoji “hi” on Monday evening that he didn’t reply to so I didn’t expect to hear from him. I had kinda decided that he may have scared himself with all of his “universal plan” talk and was backing off from texting me so much to lower expectations for when we finally see each other again. And, like DnJ said, he has lots going on in general so the amount of texting we were doing wasn’t sustainable and I get that so I’m just letting him be the one to set the pace. Anyway...his text apologized for not messaging me sooner and that his uncle had had another stroke and possibly a heart attack and passed away. So he was at his folks trying to comfort his mom. He was also grieving the loss of Kobe and his daughter a little bit and he has been talking a lot with his eldest daughter as it has highlighted for him how short life is and how important his kids are to him. He told me about a song his daughter had sent to him about him being her first love and that she thanked him for being a good role model and the best dad she could have asked for. Yep...he is one of the good ones.
I assured him I hadn’t taken anything personally and that I knew he would be in touch when he had time. He said it definitely wasn’t personal and he really enjoys our conversation. Sigh...now he is 30 minutes away from me. He thinks the universe has a plan for us...maybe it’s to make sure we never actually get to physically see each other again...lol. I really want that to happen soon as I am definitely falling for who he is as a person. It is upping the anxiety on whether or not that attraction will translate IRL. Certainly I know that I was very attracted to him when we were kids. And I remember that even though I had a serious boyfriend in my junior and senior year, my heart still skipped a beat whenever I saw him and I was always interested in what was going on with him. Who knows... maybe that was a kind of foreshadowing...lol. Time will tell...
Oh...my sister and BIL returned from vacation yesterday. So great to see her!!! A month was a long time for her to be away. I cannot even fathom her being away for six months. That is just too long. I think it will be for her too which is why she is always on me about going with her. Won’t be possible for a long time I”m afraid. My kids will keep me in Canada. Ah well... I will cross that bridge when I get there.
