Well, quicker to update than usual, and I wish I had better news. It's over. Probably.
I'm close with WAW's aunt, who was always extremely supportive of me and in many ways my biggest cheerleader. I saw on Facebook that she was having leg surgery, so I sent her a text wishing her well and a speedy recovery, to which she sends me a note back to call her. So I did. And boom, BD. Indirectly.
Apparently WAW told members of her family - not her mom or any of the adults, so to speak, but her cousins that are her proto-sisters - over Christmas that she was done, and that she had decided that she wasn't coming back. It had gotten back to the Aunt, who was appalled that WAW felt this way and hasn't told me yet.
I was floored. Not that I in my heart of hearts expected a different result, but it's so different than what I see out of her when we do get together. If she's done, why did she want to talk about our joint financial accounts, given my new job situation? Why does she smile when she sees me, why do I make her laugh so easily, why does she send me links? She knows I'm on the side of reconciliation and she knows how much this hurts me - how can she know and just let me go through the hell I'm going through?
While that doesn't make sense, other things do. If that's how she felt, of course she didn't read the letter - it was only going to remind her of the damage she's doing. Of course she's working herself to death and shutting out everyone - she doesn't want to think about it. She doesn't want to deal with it.
And I feel like such a fool. I'm not beating myself up for loving her still, I'm not beating myself up for having been optimistic and having a positive attitude, but it is sinking in that I've also been in denial and that has caused my complete inability to detach.
I know the pros on here say believe none of what she says, and half of what she does, but where does that end? I can't imagine that is something she'd tell members of her family unless she was sure.
So I have no idea what to do now. Or what's next. I guess she'll eventually tell me. Or maybe I should stop giving her opportunities to disrespect me and hurt me and file myself.
Any advice is welcome. This is so painful and it's going to be a long, long night and week.
