I would love to see the list. I am sure others would as well.
I cannot share the entire list because some items are so specific that, if H ever came here, he would know this is me. However, here are a few of the more general things on the list:
-Get a dog! -Move to a more desirable location w/ better schools (H picked our current home) -Spend more time with my out-of-town family, allowing my kids to get to know them better -Get more quality sleep. (H is a night owl who likes to sleep with lights and TV on all night) -No longer will have to attend H's boring business events. He owns a small business. -Can save some money and cut expenses. (H has often been financially irresponsible.) -Less stress = better health overall -Will have more time to spend with old friends. (H disliked a few of my friends) -Will have more time to bond and develop deeper relationships with my kids. -More time to develop spiritually. -Longer vacations and I get to pick the location! (H always wanted short vacations and we disagreed a lot on locations) -More time to devote to community service. -More time to devote to my career development. -Less mess to clean up at home. (H is a slob). -Complete freedom to walk around my home wearing whatever and looking however I want! -If H had certain weekends w/kids, it would be the most he has ever spent time with them, freeing up some scheduled "me time" for me! Girls trip, anyone?! Spa weekend? Winery tour? Shopping trip? (All things H never wanted me to do) -Can retire to wherever I want (well, within reason, of course). -After kids leave home, can find work that allows me to travel extensively - a dream I have had.
Last edited by HesAble; 01/29/2002:46 AM.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
OK! I highlighted all the ones you should just do now, and have a few notes as well. I crossed out everything having to do with him because... who the F cares about him? This is about YOU! I see no reason you can't start doing all of these things on the list, or at least trying. (except maybe the dog). What can you start doing on all of them?
-Get a dog! (I don't know if that is possible... I can't get one till my H is gone. But maybe you can. What is he going to do about it?) -Move to a more desirable location w/ better schools (H picked our current home) -Spend more time with my out-of-town family, allowing my kids to get to know them better -Get more quality sleep. (H is a night owl who likes to sleep with lights and TV on all night)-- note, I know this is hard as I'm barely sleeping too. But... things that have helped me include going to bed earlier, 5HPT supplements, listening to guided sleep meditations, a glass of wine before bed) -No longer will have to attend H's boring business events. He owns a small business.why do you have to go to these now? -Can save some money and cut expenses. (H has often been financially irresponsible.) -Less stress = better health overall -Will have more time tospend time with old friends. (H disliked a few of my friends) -Will have more time to bond and develop deeper relationships with my kids. -More time to develop spiritually. -Longer vacations and I get to pick the location! (H always wanted short vacations and we disagreed a lot on locations) -More time to devote to community service. -More time to devote to my career development. -Less mess to clean up at home. (H is a slob). -Complete freedom to walk around my home wearing whatever and looking however I want! -If H had certain weekends w/kids, it would be the most he has ever spent time with them, freeing up some scheduled "me time" for me! Girls trip, anyone?! Spa weekend? Winery tour? Shopping trip? (All things H never wanted me to do) -Can retire to wherever I want (well, within reason, of course). -After kids leave home, can find work that allows me to travel extensively - a dream I have had.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
I can't tell you how to live your life. You gotta do what's right for you but please hear me out. I have zero judgement on casual sex. Zero judgement on you doing you as far as it comes to intimacy. Zero judgments on separated folks / divorced folks, banging one out here and there. But for me, my husband isn't casual sex. While i understand In my sitch I have an apparent OW so things are a bit different. And trust me when I say I would give anything to hate F my husband right now. He hasn't touched me since November. But... and this is a big but, the day I excused him from our bed and it became MY bed was the day the muffin shop closed until further notice. That's the love of my life who looked me in the eye and said our marriage is unsalvageable. His love for me is gone. There is no way in h3ll the person who devastated me like that is getting in my bed when he wants, much less between my thighs. Maybe some day when he's out of the house and he sends an "are you up?" text to me late on a Friday night, months from now and I'm desperate for touch, there's a remote chance that can be a thing. But there is no way I'm letting him live both his married life and his single life under the roof we share AND give it up. He's already getting the comfort of our kids, and a house that's always stocked with food and toilet paper, he's not getting more from me. He wants that single life so bad that includes that single life work to get laid. Easy, simple, I know exactly what you like, married sex is for married men that wanna be married. I get that you have needs. Dear lord in heaven, I get the needs part. But you need to really ask yourself if filling that need is worth your mental health. And to be honest possibly your physical health, because he is gone a lot, there are things you might not know.
I needed to read this! I have definitely not been a casual sex kind of woman until this situation. Thanks for such honest feedback. I know what you are saying is all very true. I am definitely an imperfect work in progress.
Last edited by job; 01/29/2011:30 PM. Reason: edited language
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
OK! I highlighted all the ones you should just do now, and have a few notes as well. I crossed out everything having to do with him because... who the F cares about him? This is about YOU! I see no reason you can't start doing all of these things on the list, or at least trying. (except maybe the dog). What can you start doing on all of them?
-Get a dog! (I don't know if that is possible... I can't get one till my H is gone. But maybe you can. What is he going to do about it?) -Move to a more desirable location w/ better schools (H picked our current home) -Spend more time with my out-of-town family, allowing my kids to get to know them better -Get more quality sleep. (H is a night owl who likes to sleep with lights and TV on all night)-- note, I know this is hard as I'm barely sleeping too. But... things that have helped me include going to bed earlier, 5HPT supplements, listening to guided sleep meditations, a glass of wine before bed) -No longer will have to attend H's boring business events. He owns a small business.why do you have to go to these now? -Can save some money and cut expenses. (H has often been financially irresponsible.) -Less stress = better health overall -Will have more time tospend time with old friends. (H disliked a few of my friends) -Will have more time to bond and develop deeper relationships with my kids. -More time to develop spiritually. -Longer vacations and I get to pick the location! (H always wanted short vacations and we disagreed a lot on locations) -More time to devote to community service. -More time to devote to my career development. -Less mess to clean up at home. (H is a slob). -Complete freedom to walk around my home wearing whatever and looking however I want! -If H had certain weekends w/kids, it would be the most he has ever spent time with them, freeing up some scheduled "me time" for me! Girls trip, anyone?! Spa weekend? Winery tour? Shopping trip? (All things H never wanted me to do) -Can retire to wherever I want (well, within reason, of course). -After kids leave home, can find work that allows me to travel extensively - a dream I have had.
May22, thanks so much for these notes and for reminding me that this is a list I can begin working on right away. I am doing some of these things already (e.g., more time with family, more time with kids, developing spiritually), but I could stand to put some effort into some of the other areas. Thanks for your encouragement! I am so grateful for the support I have found on this board. Some days you all are just the reassurance I need that I can get through this either way.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
Good morning all! I have got to get off this emotional roller coaster for sure! Woke up totally p!$$ed off. Must breathe deeply. Starting a gratitude journal so I can remember to be grateful for the positive things that are going right in my life.
My M and my H are not my identity. Without them, I am still a fabulous person. That I must remember! In fact, I was probably a more fun-loving happy person BEFORE M if I am honest with myself. Stay encouraged everyone!
Last edited by job; 01/31/2003:14 PM. Reason: edited for the poster
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
I have been feeling more in control of my emotions the past day or so. I am realizing that life is short and that I cannot allow H's behavior to make all my days bad ones.
I have added more items to my list of things I can do starting now and/or if things do not work out with H. That list is really doing good things for my spirits! I highly recommend it to anyone going through this type of crisis. It gives hope and something to look forward to even in dire circumstances.
So...am I putting the cart before the horse if I start packing up the house? If this M falls apart, we will need to sell the house. No better time to sell than over the summer before the kids start school. I don't want to have to rush to pack and would rather pack all along over the course of the next few months. Also H has made me feel so unstable that, even if we stay together, I really would rather be in a smaller home that I can comfortably afford without help or struggle whether he walks or stays. Will it send a bad message if I bring in boxes and start decluttering and packing? It will keep me busy and help avoid a mad rush months from now. I do worry that this may upset the kids, although I have mentioned the possibility of moving to them in passing.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
This time of year is a good time to declutter and store/pack up things that you aren't using. If you h says anything, you can be honest and state it's time to declutter and store away those things that we aren't using at the moment. You don't have to say anything more about the possibility of moving at this time.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
