To quote from the Last Jedi- Luke said to Leia, “No one is ever really gone.”
But H might be a new person with bits of his old self. That’s how I see it lately. The alien may leave one day but something inside him will be different. Good or bad, or a combo of both.
This is comforting, Wooba—thank you. H's more normal behavior has continued. He even asked, "How are you?" after saying hi at one point. I don't remember the last time he asked me that, much less seemed ready for me to respond. I don't feel like I'm dealing with alien teenage-H right now.
All of this led to me awake in the middle of the night, hearing him cough in his room, and wanting so, so badly to go in there and initiate some kind of intimacy. Under normal circumstances, i.e. no BD, no potential MLC—let's say I had been brave enough to change something in myself and in our M, that's what I would do, and it would be a big 180. He would be so surprised. I don't suppose there's any way that me making a move would be advisable until the dynamic between us is completely different, right? I let it play out in my mind anyway—what did I expect would happen if I did something like that? I don't imagine it changing his mind or snapping him out of anything, but I do imagine that it would feel good for me to be more confident in that way, to express a part of myself I couldn't express with him before. To express a part of myself I'd lost touch with. I lay awake for a while and went back to sleep.
I've been trying to just observe my feelings and thoughts the last few days. I've had moments of feeling very sad and moments of feeling fearful, caught up in what-ifs. I cried after not crying in a while. Usually friends tell me they can't believe I've been so strong through all of this, that they would have flipped out. Some days I am strong. Some days not.
I've had a few moments of strength and clarity the past few days too. I've been thinking about what it means to have perspective in my particular situation. One definition: a viewpoint. A viewpoint that depends on where I am and where I am looking.
In moments when feelings aren't at the forefront, I seem to lock into a larger perspective, a longer view: All I have to do right now is focus on right now, and make sure my actions are in line with my core values and beliefs. All I have to do is keep becoming a better person because I want to. He is the one who will have to pursue me in the future. I am wearing my wedding ring and that says everything I can't say out loud to him right now, or it says enough.
And: I do believe it is in his character to apologize, to recognize, to turn things around, because he did do this once in a big way, and it paved the way for our M.
Faith, calm, focus. Appreciate those moments when they come.
