Stranger In My House Part 2

[HesAble]

Clearly not a vet, but I just want to mention a few things: this is your journey. You want to throw in the towel you do that. You want to stand do that. But it seems like you're still on the fence. When you have a decision, you'll know it. It's pretty clear detaching is not working for you, or you're not working it, his behavior should not have this much control over your day to day emotions, no matter how poor his behavior is. I think more IC is a good idea but you'll have to make it a point to focus on detachment skills and ways to combat your anxiety over this. Also, you may also want to ask your IC about situational depression and anxiety and if you should be talking to your GP or a psychiatrist about maybe getting some help during this time in your life.

I am not perfect at this. None of us are, but you seem to really be struggling keeping your emotions in check with him. You can't make a solid decision from a place of chaos. And you can't get out of chaos if you keep obsessing over him and his behavior. He's a garbage person right now. You can't expect him to behave like a saint and lament in your unmet expectations. You wouldn't expect a known thief to not take your things. You can't expect anything from him this includes model husband and father behavior. No matter how much you are owed and deserve that. In fact you shouldn't have any expectations regarding him and his behavior. You need to start living in the space that one day he's just not going to come home any more. The whole point of DBing is getting the LBS to a point where they can live life with or with out their spouse. So they can be a whole healthy person who can lead and control an R with a not so whole healthy person, or move the hell on. If you're not ready to make the decision to stick this out or end this then you need to be ready to at least live your life AS IF he's never going to be him again, AS IF he is no longer a member of that family, AS IF you are over him and his BS behavior. Your mental health can't take staying on this roller coaster. Your health can't take you at this stress level forever. Your kids need an anchor. You need peace. Take it, make it, because your H will never in a million years give it to you.

I am not detaching properly. It is so HARD to do! And I think part of the reason for that is that I have continued being intimate with H when he initiates it, thinking that this is a way to meet my needs and telling myself to remember it is only sex because H clearly has no love for me. I tell myself this, but my heart knows there are still feelings there on my part. I actually do not want to stop the intimacy because it is one of the few joys we share nowadays other than our children.

You are right. I have got to get a grip so I can continue to be my kids' anchor and keep my health. I do feel like my health is starting to deteriorate because I am too consumed with H's bad behavior.

I will definitely talk to the IC about all these feelings. And I will make sure I have a clear decision because you are right - I am on the fence right now and that is what is most frustrating for me.