I think if there was a foundation of good - of a shared connection or intimacy or fun or humour - then I would find it easier to be tolerant of his lack of skills and differences from me in other ways. He is not an honest person and I know that - have always known it deep down - and I also know it has nothing to do with me but is his own issue. When things were better there was enough that we shared to put the difficult stuff into its proper place. I accepted he was generally evasive when he felt sensitive, but there was enough we could share on to stick us together. Now there's no abuse, but not much good stuff either. Just a stiff cordiality punctuated by his barbs now and again.
We had a bit of a talk earlier. He let me know he has cancelled the joint session with the IC as he's decided I would not feel comfortable with it. I called him out on that. I said he could cancel it for whatever reason he wanted, but I wouldn't accept blame for him deciding how I felt without asking me then acting on that. I also don't believe a word of it. I imagine - though I don't know - he anticipates feeling exposed, or my revealing a slant on something or a perspective that is vastly different to the way he's shared with his therapist. I don't think he trusts her - or anyone - enough to realise that of course two people can have different attitudes and feelings and neither one be lying. But I'm mind reading. I don't really know. He said he researched a different therapist and got in touch with him today. I don't really believe he did that. To be honest, my general feeling at the moment is to assume every word that comes out of his mouth is a lie. It doesn't help our relationship but is also based on long experience of his past behaviour.
I think he does want to reconcile the broken M. I do think that reconciliation would involve trust, introspection, risk-taking and communication skills that he doesn't have. I believe I have all the rest of it other than trust, and I do feel it is a wise and logical choice not to trust him. The more I think about this, the clearer the path ahead seems to be.
