You really have come such a long way! And in only a years time? That is such a short amount of time when you think about the life of a M and family! How long have you known your H for?
I appreciate the way you look at your part, have personal insight, think about how you can grow and change, and you really take ownership and responsibility for yourself. As you are learning, it has to be both people doing this in the equation and you can't force the other person to do that. I also hear (read) you saying that there are some elements that were there previously when you got M that you accepted before. Does that mean you should accept those (what have become more) negative qualities now? GREAT QUESTION. I think about that too. Let me know when you figure it out ;-)
What have I done when I start to question my H and my own M? Honestly, I still see my sitch as a work in progress. I get frustrated and upset at my H sometimes too. I have to learn to separate what are normal disagreements in any M and what it is about him I don't like and cannot accept. I also have to check my emotions a bit and ask myself if my feelings are exaggerated because I am holding onto some hard feelings. I also have to continue to be responsible for the way I communicate my frustrations and feelings despite how justified I may feel in them. These are moments when I realize I still have a lot to work on. They also force me to see that in the past, before BD, I did less of this and was not a good partner in some ways. Overall, I do think my H is a good man, partner and father. When I really dissect what is bothering me or upsetting me, I don't often find much that I can't accept.
I am not sure how much that helps. I think my H has also done a lot of personal work and is accountable for his mistakes. I am not sure you are describing as much of that with your H. I really do think it takes two people to reconcile a broken M, even if perhaps he was not that type of character before. I don't like that he can be cold and nasty towards you at times, I just don't think I could ever be okay with that sort of thing.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
