I posted this on Pommy's thread and maybe it will help you too:
Have you read MWD's Healing From Infidelity? There is a chapter on when your spouse won't end the affair and I'm going to quote a little from it (hope that is OK):
"I know it is a lot to ask of you to avoid putting pressure on your spouse to end the affair if your spouse has chosen unfaithfulness. You may feel like you're a doormat or that your spouse is "having his cake and eating it too." After all, your spouse has all the comforts of home -- you, the kids, (if you have them), your home and a secure lifestyle-- and an affair. How unfair this feels, and is. I get it.
"But you are not a doormat. You are not a pushover. You are simply fighting for your marriage and you're trying to do it in the smartest way possible. You are giving your spouse the time and space they need to sort their emotions out and do the right thing. You are very courageous. You're a warrior. Don't let anyone tell you differently."
So. You are NOT a doormat. You are NOT a pushover. You are a warrior. In MWD's own words, no less!
