it's been fine this week. He's been a bit more snappy, a lot more distant, but not abusive. I've been cold myself, withdrawn, generally disappointed by him and though we haven't spoken about this, I know he can tell and it will be adding to the tensions.
I am wondering if it is time to throw in the towel? I don't enjoy spending time with him because basically, I just don't like him. I am civil and polite and I go through the motions of validating, acts of service, supporting him in front of the kids. That's made a lot of difference to him and though from his side things aren't perfect, I think he's satisfied enough with that. We're like friendly enough colleagues most of the time.
I wonder if it's the same for him, with me? He doesn't seem to want to spend time with me. And of course that makes sense - who would want to spend time with someone who didn't like them? It's a sad situation. I'd like him to be warm and interested in me and the world and his own life and have hobbies and friends and interests to share. I'd like him to delight in me and want to please me. I'd like to feel that way about him too. But I don't, he doesn't seem to, and we're both making a lot of efforts but 'that feeling' just isn't there. Perhaps I just don't love him any more. I'm not sure he's loved me for a long time. I don't fancy making myself into a different sort of person for his benefit, and I am sure he could rightly say exactly the same thing.
Perhaps I need to work on thriving in a loveless marriage - which I am more than capable of. Or perhaps I need to end this marriage so I can thrive outside of it and leave the way clear for a healthier and happier relationship at some point in the future. I have no idea what is keeping him in this marriage, except perhaps his needs for love and intimacy are very low, and as I've stopped the things that bothered him, he's happy enough, and selfish enough not to bother that I am not happy.
I guess I thought if he stopped being mean to me the rest of it - the good stuff - would come back. He has stopped being mean to me, and I've stopped caring about it - more or less, most of the time - and what's left between us now the fighting has stopped is... nothing much.
Part of me wants to have some kind of 'come to Jesus' talk with him, lay down the law and give him some kind of ultimatum. But it would be a destructive and pointless move: he can't force himself to feel the way he perhaps used to feel about me and doesn't any more. Just as I can't force myself to feel that either. I have told him how I feel. I've been very specific. He's a good one for the empty promises but I really don't want to get into that pursuit thing again. I only want what he's capable of offering freely and with a good heart, and that's - well - nothing much of value to me.
I have read around suggestions about rekindling things - spending time together, talking about things, emails or dates or fun time together. And if I am brutally honest, I have tried and extended invitations to him but when I think about spending an evening in his company listening to his smart sarcastic remarks about people he works with, or items on the news, or anything at all - he really only talks to moan or criticise something - I feel myself shudder and think what a nicer and happier time I'd have taking out my kids, spending time with my friends, or doing something creative and interesting on my own. Perhaps he's depressed - but he's had months in therapy and could have gone to a GP if he wanted to. Perhaps he doesn't know how to connect with me - but he's as able to read relationship books as I am and is as resistant to any sense he has anything to learn about the world, himself, relationships or me as he ever was. It's like living with a rock.
