wayfarer, saw this quote recently. Think it might be appropriate here. Don't know who to attribute it to:
"The road to failure is paved with excuses."
That may be true. But one person's excuse is another's reason. I know I look like a doormat to some. And a failure to others. But I am not some 1950s house wife ignoring my H's affair so I can stay comfortable, and because that's how "men behave." I am angry. I am devastated. I hate everything he's done and is doing. And if tonight he cried and said it's all a mistake I wouldn't sob and welcome him back open arms. But I also can't live like every single thing he does is the end of the world and a slap in the face to me. He sure as hell isn't thinking about me when he's making those choices, I'm not entirely sure why I should think about him not thinking about me when he does them. I can't live in a place where his behavior controls me, my emotions and my actions. And I can't detach if I dwell on the details of all his misgivings. They are all one ugly mess that I have to choose to walk though or step over.
Also I'm not a quitter. And just because his vows didn't mean a damn thing doesn't mean mine didn't. This part. This is the worse part. There are no qualifiers on that. There is no "if you're the worse part of our marriage I get to give up no questions asked."Trust me, I will never look at him the same again. And our lives will never go back to the way it was but bad behavior or not, I made a commitment. He's still coming home. He's still calling it home. He's still has me as his wife on all his social media. He still has a wedding picture of us on his Instagram as his profile. He still worries if I've eaten. He worries if I've gotten to where I need to go when the snow is bad. Regardless of all the words coming out of his mouth and the ridiculous life he's trying to live right now, he still has 1 foot in this marriage. And while we're miles from any movement one way or the other, I'll wait here in limbo, and deal with my $hit, finding me, working on me, GALing, keeping our girls feeling secure as long as I'm able while he does what ever it is this week that he thinks he needs to do to live his life. No I can't stay here forever. And he doesn't get an endless hall pass. But this is our lives right now. And while some people aren't built for misery, I am. And because I've been there too many times before I know on the other side of this is a better stronger me, with or without him. I'm just still hoping that the other side of this is a better both of us, and a better marriage. And if that makes me a failure, so be it.
