Thank you for sharing all of that... this sounds really difficult. Are you guys in MC? Another option you might consider if Retrouvaille is too religious for you might be an Art and Science of Love workshop-- I think they are held outside the US-- or reading the 7 principles or something like that together?
We're not in MC. Both in IC. I've been invited to go to his IC with him, which I put off for ages, then agreed to but was sick and couldn't manage. Now I've agreed we have a joint appointment scheduled in a couple of weeks. I've asked him what he wants to talk about and what he wants to get out of me being there, but he's been vague. Wants to 'go with the flow' rather than plan things out.
I have three questions for you:
Originally Posted by may22
One, why do you want to stay married to him?
I have to say, I don't know. My life would be mildly practically more difficult if he were not around. The kids are happier with him here. Financially it's slightly better for me. I hoped that things would be different. I don't really have that hope now.
Originally Posted by may22
Two, can you share the wonderful things about him? Why you fell in love in the first place and what kept you together in the years before it went south?
I used to appreciate his calmness, his steadiness. His reliability. The way he was careful and self contained. It always felt like he was a very deep man with some hidden depths he kept away from the world. Now I feel like he's either a) secretive and unwilling to be vulnerable or honest or b) there's not much there other than what I see on the surface. What kept us together? Some common goals about children, buying a house, a shared feeling of finding the world and other people pretty difficult (I no longer feel that way and am much healthier and more social than I was).
Originally Posted by may22
Three, what do you want in a M and an H in the long term-- say x years from now when you're over this difficult patch? Where are you willing to compromise and where are you not? Have you thought about where you both want to go in terms of building a new MR together and what that would look like? It sounds like you don't know what he wants, but do you know what you want? Do you think he knows what he wants? Do you think it is possible for you to have these kinds of conversations? (ok, I know that is more than three questions... sorry! can't help it!)
I know what I want and have communicate that. He tells me he wants to feel respected and supported. To have lots of time on his own to follow his own interests. I've asked him what type of practical things he'd like to change about our lives. He generally says he'd like the house to be more organised, for the mornings and evenings (school run times) to be calmer and less noisy and for him to have more time on his own. I've said I'd like to have more things to do together, which in principle he agrees with but he generally declines any invitations from me and has no GAL of his own. I have no idea if he feels lonely or bored or what interests of his he is wanting to make time for. He was alone for most of yesterday evening as I went away to a different room to read and do some crafts. He seemed to be watching television and eating. I tried to engage him in conversation this morning - I'm working today and he's not - and he wanted to talk to me a bit about his opinions about US sports. I listened and tried to ask some questions.
Originally Posted by may22
As I read through your post, I wondered if you are in a place where it is hard to see the positives, or if there are really very little positives to see. As an outside observer, it seems like it isn't a very happy situation and that you don't have a lot of hope. I wonder if you read the post and pretended it were someone else's, what your advice to them would be.
I don't have hope. I am wondering if I should accept that I've changed and he's just not a good fit for me any more, and get my emotional needs met elsewhere (I mean more GAL, not an EA or PA). I also know I have a tendency to be negative and to see the worst in things, and that's my fear talking. Life is generally calm and he is generally respectful to me. There's no sense of connection or fun or love there - and he does know I feel that way and I have asked for specific things that would help me. He doesn't do those things, has no suggestions of his own, will not give a reason for not going those things, and doesn't want to talk about any changes he wants to make to his own life so he's happier. I guess I can either accept this, or divorce him. I need to think on that more.
