Hi everyone. Just coming back to do some journaling - seems I come back every month or so!
I've had a really, really interesting month since my last post. Obviously, the holidays were very difficult, my first one by myself and with us separated. I am grateful to be able to lean on my family as not everyone has that luxury, but it was a tough sled for sure, as was New Years. But it is what it is.
Professionally, my life is going extremely well. I am not sure if I mentioned it in my last post, but I left my old job in November of last year. A lot of my friends thought I was nuts because it was my dream job on paper: C-level job for the dominant player in my preferred industry, but I wasn't happy. It was too political, too slow, too bureaucractic..and my heart wasn't in it, certainly not since my separation. When WAW wasn't working and focusing on her art, I was happy to deal with it and support our family, but now that we're apart and she's back to work, it was that much harder for me to get up in the morning.
Anyway, I wanted to go back to early-stage tech and my entrepreneurial background, so I did. And last week I closed a very large seed investment from a dream venture capital partner. It came together very quickly and it's honestly a bit scary - particularly because I don't have the support network I once had. But I'm also extremely excited, not just because of the opportunity but because it also feels like I'm getting back (at least work-wise) my true self.
For some background on what I mean by that, when I first met WAW, I was in the early stage of starting my first company. I don't come from money by any means so starting out my first time was incredibly risky and a massive disruption to the trajectory of my career - but I didn't care. I was driven, I had a vision for what I wanted, and I went after it. Four years later I sold the company to the firm I just left, and WAW was there for the entire ride. As cheesy as it might sound, I do still view the success of that company as a story of us and not just a story of me, and in the pursuit of being the best version of myself I can be (and AMOAFWL), I'm excited to get back at it.
As far as she and I go, more of the same, really. We're still extremely cordial, and there are fairly frequent signs that she is still thinking of me: she'll send me links that I'd like, that sort of thing. We meet every few weeks to discuss logistics and finances, but that really only takes a few minutes - the rest of the time we just catch up. I mostly just listen and focus on validating the things that are bothering her, as she's very stressed between her job and the multiple volunteer/political things she does. It's nice; we make each other laugh very easily, and when we sit down and work on a problem together (such as her campaign website), we make a pretty formidable team. I'm still very physically attracted to her; I suspect I always will be.
Against the advice of the chorus on here, I did end up sending her a Christmas card with a letter inside. I was sort of surprised that she didn't mention it at all until I found out yesterday when we met that she never read it. She and her father do not speak at all (nor was he at our wedding), and I believe three years ago, he sent her a Christmas card and a letter as well, one that was very manipulative/guilt-inducing that put her in a bad place. She said that when she saw my card with my letter, she immediately put the two in the same bucket, and decided not to read it. I'm definitely not her father - he was extremely emotionally and verbally abusive to her - and obviously I resent the connection, but I understand the emotion behind it and ultimately, I get where she's coming from. I'm sure the same people who thought it was a bad idea will think it's actually a gift in disguise, so I guess we'll see.
One thing my therapist pointed out that I haven't really considered is that she's actually had several rather obvious opportunities to cut the cord between us, and she hasn't done it. When she got her new job for example, she put her paycheck into our joint account just like I did, even though she started a few months after we separated. She never mentions divorce, never mentions any romantic interests (not that she has time for them), and as I said above, exhibits some signs of still thinking of me. Better than nothing, I guess.
As far as how I'm doing emotionally, some days are good, some days are bad. I'd love to say that I was over it, that I wasn't still heartbroken, but there's no point in lying to you. Today was actually pretty rough; immediately after the news about Kobe Bryant, I was on the subway heading to my office when the train was stopped for an hour due to a death on the track ahead of us. Both events reminded me so much of how fragile life is and how quickly things can change. I have so many regrets for taking the MR for granted and for times I wish I would have made it clear how much she meant to me. I can't change anything, but it hurts to be without your life partner, particularly on sad days like today.
Generally the plan stays the same: get well. Keep staying fit, commit to eating healthy, keep honestly working on the areas in which I caused conflict in the MR, and use this time to my advantage to be the best version of myself I can be. It's so tough to hear her talk about how hard the holidays were for her, or how stressed she is, because all I want to do is be there for her and support her, but I can't. I still love her, and I want so much for the opportunity just to start over at square one. Maybe one day. For today, I'll focus on the things I can control.
