I've been doing a lot better lately avoiding overthinking things. But I still do it from time to time.

I went on a 4h hike yesterday. I find exercising in nature is a great exercise in being present and turning down my brain volume. But I did spend some time going over things. I limited the time, then switched back to enjoying the hike.

I think what I've been looking for is an understanding of why (in my mind) we didn't try harder to work on things. I can accept the lack of closure as to why things fell apart. I have a decent understanding why, but there are unknowable things. I'm coming to peace with that.

We spent a total of 9 months in MC in the last 18 months. It just... didn't work. Not once did I feel my W was leaning in and wanting to work on things. I know that sounds blaming, and that's not what I mean. I feel like even in MC1, she was not really at a point in our MR where she was really ready for MC, ready to work together. I think she wanted me to fix my issues first.

Periodically in MC1 she would say she wanted to hear about my feelings, but I never felt validated or understood. I recall a couple times I said how I felt, then she was told by the MC to repeat back what she heard. And my W would repeat back HER interpretation which was not correct. I would say something like, "I feel like we haven't supported each other well during our move and I'd like to spend more time together" and she would say something like, "He feels like I'm not giving him enough."

On another instance, she told me, "I know how important it is for you to feel heard." Yes, it is important for me to feel heard. It is important for *everybody* to feel heard.

Truth be told, I was making some personal improvements during this time but not the deeper changes I've made more recently. I worked on my listening skills a ton, but did not have a good handle on my anxiety. So while all this was going on, I of course could have handled it better. The man I am today would have handled it differently.

Well... I'm off today to go have some fun with the kids for a special thing I planned!