As job said you have a huge hurt in your soul. Heal yourself first. Dating will hurt more. There are many stories on this board of people dating too soon and when still married. Many report back that they hurt themselves and the other person and sent themselves backwards on their own healing path. Imagine having that along with everything else to process.
Originally Posted by GOONIES
how does every one deal with being so d@mn lonely? I have no plans on walking, but what to do?
Originally Posted by GOONIES
it is coming up on a year since I was last sexual with my W. I really miss the smell of her hair and skin. I miss her so much. I just want someone to hold, if not her. what do I do????
Loneliness. Let’s discuss that.
The idea I want to get across is being alone is different than feeling alone.
Loneliness (and a great many other issues the LBS deals with) starts as a feeling. This feeling of lonely influences thoughts of a similar nature. These feelings and thought create and reinforce your beliefs. Soon you believe you are alone, which reinforces feeling and thoughts, and a vicious feedback loop tightens upon you.
Beliefs create your reality. If you believe you are alone than you will be.
If you believe you are happy than you will be.
This is not some word play. Beliefs are those deep convictions inside you. An internal force crafted from physical actions, emotions, thoughts, and yes your soul. Beliefs are rational and irrational - more than the sum of all their parts.
Now, loneliness is a troubling belief. It causes pain and sorrow. And fear. It is coupled irrationally to various activities and places in your life. Seeing this is the first step in “dealing with being so d@mn lonely”.
To alter a belief you need to break that feedback loop. Uncouple it. GAL. Physical activities influence thoughts and feelings.
Do this for an demonstration:
Smile. Seriously. Curve up the sides of your mouth and smile. Force it if you have to.
Now.
Frown.
When you smiled you felt it. No matter how deep in darkness you are; and I know just how dark it does get; physical actions like smiling influence feelings associated with that action. You smile, you feel joy and happy.
When you frown you feel sad and alone.
Physical action influences you. The fake it till you make it.
Physical is one of the “cars” you can directly control. I’ll post a link to my “cars” analogy for you. It is basically the four attributes of one’s path - physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual.
As I said physical you can directly control. You did after all smile on command. The other directly controlled “car” is intellectual - your thoughts.
Thoughts are the rational part of you. Logic and reason. Feelings and emotions do not exist in the intellectual realm. Along with physical activity, rationalizing your situation uncoupled the irrational binding of beliefs, fear, attachment, etc... Continued efforts in the intellectual and reasoned path yields influence upon emotions and beliefs. This is a slow process and takes mental assertiveness to achieve. Your sword and shield if you’ve read my postings.
Emotions you cannot directly control. That feeling of loneliness you cannot just “feel” away. Emotions are irrational and born outside of the realm of your direct control. We “control”, and this is not direct, emotions by using intellect and reason. Now emotions need to be expressed and accepted. Loneliness is no exception.
Carve out time, schedule it, to feel your emotions. This is an intellectual pursuit. The scheduling of time to feel is akin to forcing yourself to smile or frown. You are feeling the loneliness without the irrational trigger and attachments. This starts to allow you to rationalize your irrational coupling and break it. It’s the same for fear and a great many other things.
Your belief in being alone and lonely will start to alter. This is slow, so be gentle on yourself it does take time.
This is all well and good and you also need to start to replace that lonely feeling. More accurately, you don’t replace the feeling you let it wither, while reinforcing different and better emotions. Remember thoughts reinforce feelings and emotions. Use your thoughts and reason. Get in your intellectual car.
You have friends, family, work buddies, acquaintances, people here on this board, and so on. You are not alone on your journey.
Yes, there are times when you are by yourself. And you need not be lonely because of that. Turn those alone times into something to look forward to, an activity.
I love the night sky. The dark velvety blackness with thousand and thousands of stars piercing through it. I stand alone looking into the face of creation, the Milky Way splashed across the canvas above. No one around. And I feel so connected and full, definitely not lonely.
Alone - yes.
Lonely - no.
Watch movies, read, post, stargaze, whatever activities you want. I know at the beginning it is difficult to see that path. The GAL, get a life, is very important. You don’t know what you want to do. You’ve not done “alone” for a long time. Do different things, see what fits, what feels good. Not everything is going to be a win. That’s ok. You will learn what you do like and what you do not.
Going out for a fancy steak dinner, alone, for the first time - is such a weird and strange feeling. That is more a dating or couple thing - right? NO WAY! LOL. It took time for me to move passed that. Irrational uncoupling - I’m pretty good at it. And I do like to pass on what I’ve learned.
Originally Posted by GOONIES
it is coming up on a year since I was last sexual with my W. I really miss the smell of her hair and skin. I miss her so much. I just want someone to hold, if not her. what do I do????
I hope you can see why I posted this along with the lonely quote.
What to do????
Heal yourself before holding someone else.
Find the love for your life. Find the love of being by yourself.
I also miss the smell of my W’s hair. The feel of her skin. The return of an embrace. Irrational desires and longings.
Believe me, you get to a place where this is accepted and doesn’t hurt.
Go for a fancy steak diner then watch the night sky. Find peace in the vastness.
