Just a question and I don't know if this is considered DBing or anything... but are there things you DO feel safe in sharing with him, and getting him to share with you? As you start to rebuild trust and intimacy, of course you are scared and sad. And what you're both going through right now is super heavy and difficult, and maybe you both aren't ready to share where you are with the other person who figures so prominently in why you are feeling this way. I just wonder if you can start small, talk about important things that aren't R-related, relationships with colleagues or parents or whatever where you can begin to rebuild the connection between the two of you?
Have fun out with your friends-- relax and enjoy!
This is a good question. We chat to each other about work, general domestic organisation. I can tell him I've had a hard day and he's generally supportive and kind in response. I hope I'm kind when he tells me about his day, which he does. We talk a little about Youngest - though Eldest is still a topic we generally avoid for the sake of peace.
I'm not sure we'll ever be on the same page as parents but it is getting better. I feel I am better at setting boundaries. H has commented he feels I am a more assertive parent. But he still feels undermined now and again. He is very committed to the idea that shaming or humiliating a child or young person is a good way to extract desirable behaviour from them. I have listened to his theories about this. I lay this against my own gut feelings, my own experiences of how being shamed and humiliated has worked for me, the parenting books I've read and the support and advice I've sought from other parents. Generally the consensus is that it's a terrible parenting strategy. H is extremely sensitive to the idea that he's being shamed or laughed at himself (he has terrible social anxiety) so how he squares his own sensitivity with the feeling that it's good to do that to a younger person in his care makes no sense to me.
I've asked that he don't use mocking, name-calling, nasty laughter or threats to discipline Eldest. And he has stopped doing those things. Totally. Though I do know it's more as a favour to me than because he thinks they are cruel and borderline emotionally abusive parenting tactics. And I think when Eldest does act up (which isn't that often actually - he's doing great at school, does his chores at home, gives a bit of back chat now and again but is generally decent and helpful and is reliable at coming home when he is asked to, etc) I don't tend to get support from H because he tells me I've 'banned' him from parenting. I will set consequences and time-outs and talk through better choices with my children. H feels this is pandering to them so, I guess because he feels he's not allowed to do what he actually wants to do, he just withdraws. This comes between us.
I guess if I felt that I'd messed up or I was worried about something or I needed a friend, some compassion and emotional support, I would not go to him. He's too critical and mean for that. Something about any perceived emotional neediness brings out a really horrible side to him. I lean on my friends and my own resources. We're not close. I struggle with respecting him and even liking him on most days. When he is affectionate and warm with me - which does happen much more often than it did - I struggle to relax and appreciate it because I find him to be quite dishonest about his feelings and motivations. He's not a communicator.
He's drinking more again this week. He's also lying about it. I didn't ask him how much he drank, but he volunteered that he'd had one bottle of beer and went to bed early. I actually found lots of empty bottles hidden behind a cabinet in the downstairs utility. There's no rule about what or how much he drinks: I just choose not to be in the room with him when he's drunk as he tends to be emotional and reactive and unpleasant so I will take myself away somewhere else without a comment. The fact he's clearly lying about it worries me, given the commitment to honesty.
I guess where we are right now is that I really don't think there have been any wholesale changes in who my H is or how he sees his role in our M and its troubles. I may just be afraid and need to give this more time, but what I see is a man who is 'keeping some rules' or 'pretending to keep some rules' in order to get back into the house, rather than a man who has had a heart change and is able to speak up clearly for what he wants and needs and follow through on that. I struggle with respect. I find his evasiveness and dishonesty pathetic rather than hurtful these days.
There is more that I could do. I could be more compassionate and understand that these behaviours come from fear. He's a man that runs entirely on shame - his fear of being shamed socially, and his believe that shame is actually something good that keeps people in line. His mocking behaviours towards me have always been about shaming me to moderate something about my behaviour he doesn't like or can't manage. I could try to view that with more pity and compassion and try to do my part in making our home a safe space for him. I'm just not sure that I want to. When I look at this coldly, I am not sure I get enough out of a fairly superficial connection with him to make it worth the effort. I'm financially independent and don't really rely on him for anything practical or emotional.
I guess my increased detachment has removed some of the power his abusive behaviours used to have over me. These days, when they do emerge (and it is much much much rarer than it was) I see them as rather childish and silly and beneath contempt. But it isn't really enough - that he's stopped being abusive. What is needed is openness and honesty from him. Some sense that he desires me, that my feelings and thoughts are of interest to him, that he's wanting to improve our connection and is willing to make some effort and take some risks to get there. And I am not sure that's really what he wants in a relationship, or he's capable of doing it.
I guess I need to decide if this shell of a marriage is worth anything. My children are happier now he's home: even Eldest. He's a better father than he was. He contributes fairly to the finances and there's never been any financial abuse or mistreatment or control from him. He works hard and he does a fair share of the domestic work. He would give me practical help if I asked for it - like driving me somewhere or running me an errand. He sometimes makes me packed lunches for work when he knows I have a long day ahead. With Youngest especially he is attentive and funny and caring . He has no social life, no real hobbies, no friends and only very superficial connections with his family. He's happy for me to see as much or as little of my friends as pleases me and has never put any limit on my GAL and never even suggested that I should. I actually think he prefers me to be out in the evenings as then there's no expectation he will need to interact with me. He doesn't mind that some of my friends and colleagues who I have lunches with are men and has never expressed any concern or jealousy (nor has he any reason to at all). It could be and has been a lot worse. I know many on this board would probably love to be where I am now. But even on our good days I catch myself looking at him and thinking, 'is this all there is?' and feeling pretty disappointed. I am sure he senses that and I am sure that has an effect on how open he is willing to be.
I don't know how much it is okay to say on here about the bedroom. Suffice to say it's never been that great. He doesn't tend to initiate: in better times, that was my job. He could decline (and would generally make lots of excuses rather than say he was angry) or he would be avoidant - pretending to be asleep or staying up late until after I had gone to sleep. On the very rare occasions he did initiate, he would be awkward and rushed - as if it was a duty he was attempting to get through quickly so he could do something preferable - and if I gave him suggestions or asked for more tenderness, he would generally be passive aggressive and offended. We have talked about this and he mentioned a few weeks ago that he felt he wanted to initiate more. I tried to welcome that, but I didn't really believe it would ever happen, and it hasn't. I struggle to be responsive to him (which of course will put him off initiating) because he's so reluctant and awkward and really quite cold. When he have tried to talk about this, he's been unable to say what is going on with him - only that I need to do or be something different. I take his suggestions and act on them, but they make no difference to his desire or behaviour. I don't want him to do something he does not want to do (he's used the phrase 'muscling through it' more than once in reference to what it is like for him to be with me).
