Good morning--here at least, it is morning. The first thing I noticed when I walked outside was that the sky looked the same as it has lately, but there is a distinct feeling of spring, and not the chill of winter, in the air. A reminder that I will be able to return to gardening soon, no matter what else is going on in my life.
DnJ, thank you for sharing those posts! I started with the one on fear and then kept reading that thread. I think it may be helpful to me to visit more of your older threads as well. It is comforting to me to think of this journey as an opportunity to discover and redefine and strengthen my beliefs.
Here is what I know at this moment: I believe in the man I married. What does that mean, I ask myself. Hmm... I believe deep down he's not gone or permanently changed into a different person. At his core he is kind, loving, generous. He is not sure who he is—I think his sense of self has never been strong. He is trying, for the first time, to find out who he is. When I married him I meant it to be for life, and I still believe that. Neither of us knew how to nurture our relationship long-term, or how to grow in it. The possibilities don't end there for me, though; instead I recognize how much more is possible. I wish I would have recognized that years ago, but I didn't. I think of the plants in my yard that return year after year, with little care from me. Rain, sunlight, not much else. How much more would they thrive with ongoing care and attention?
In my mind the thing that makes me question these beliefs is really my ego. What I think other people think of my hope, or my decision to stand. What possibilities (or lack of) they see. That is probably fear too.
I like very much the idea of standing but not standing still. Part of this journey for me will, I suspect, be about being more aware of and grounded in my own beliefs and values. Do my actions reflect them? For example: I am committed to being a better, more compassionate listener. When I think of how quiet I've been around H in the last seven months, how I've been able to listen in the times that H has spoken without arguing my own points or trying to force my perspective on him, I feel good about that.
Originally Posted by OwnIt
Don't see a few small changes and lose your perspective.
Yes, this is a challenge for me. I still feel new to this. I think I have continued to project detachment in the face of his small changes even if I am not there yet internally all the time. Still, it feels right to meet his small kindness with small kindness, at least in attitude—to reinforce his kinder behavior by not drawing closer but also by not drawing further away. Maybe that is me trying to figure out compassionate indifference too. I have been following Grace's threads--she has managed to keep her perspective through all of this, is that what you mean? It seems so to me.
Originally Posted by OwnIt
You can sit around hoping forever, and it probably won't do any good, and it probably won't bring him back.
Maybe it won't do him any good--probably my internal hopes and wishes won't have any affect on him. How could they? That is what I hear. But I also want to give myself permission to hope—and to not put my own life on hold while I do.
