Peace and joy continue to beckon

[DnJ]

Good Morning Grace

Great conversation!

You are a woman only a fool would leave.

As I was reading I was thinking that you should follow up in a few days with H; and look at that you’ve already got that planned.

75 minutes is a long time to remember what happened and what was said, especially from an emotional person. There is a lot there, well done on getting down on paper.

I had a conversation with my XW (W at the time) 5 months post BD. It showed just how mixed up she was. It was astounding to see her - she was a different person. So confused and so sure of herself, both at the same time. Weird. That definitely firmed up that this was all about her.

I see this conversation has many similar aspects. It is so obvious that his confusion and unhappiness is not about you. And he is actually seeing that!

2. He said that even then, and still now, he was not happy. That things with OW are getting bad, real bad, and he has walked out a few times. That it’s getting ready to implode.

Of course. That relationship is built upon sand. We all know it will implode, but to actually see it and hear that he is expecting it. I mean he has walked out a few times?!? From the person he left everything and everyone for. There’s the proof.

4. He asked whether I would consider letting him move into our spare bedroom, with no expectations to (I think he said), “touch or anything”. Just to let him use the room. I said no. I didn’t think that would be a good idea. That he needed to figure things out on his own, live on his own, and we can’t go back to the way things were.

Good for you.

I can empathize with the temptation to consider such a thing. Most wise to say no.

It is encouraging to see he has done some reflecting and says he misses you and sees his role in things. He is speaking the truth, at that moment. Tomorrow he may feel different. Time will tell. His behaviour will show if there is consistency in his feelings, thoughts, and beliefs.

I did chuckle at him not understanding why you would not want to just live as is - to stay in place - as he runs about and figures himself out. I mean, you’re on his insurance and provided for. Lol. The typical, scripted, views of a crisis person.

However, I will say that him questioning it, isn’t typical. That shows some thoughts going on. A person in crisis doesn’t question, they tell you - you should be fine with this. Perhaps some movement is happening.

And speaking of moving, you totally nailed it. His wanting to move away from all this, retire, and start a new life with you. Doesn’t want to face what he’s done; there is a lot to atone for. The plan B, the disappearing for a while - he is teetering on the cusp of awakening. Stay your course, he might follow or he might not.

You are a beacon. Never doubt that! H has to decide what he wants to follow.

Your follow up summary in a couple of days. Some thoughts from my own situation as at one time XW seemed to be almost ready to reach out to me. She turned away and disappeared. However, I did search my soul and found a path I would be comfortable with. I will transpose to your H.

With H actually suggesting that he could move back in. That brings up possibilities doesn’t it? Internal questions that you need to answer.

Are you willing to consider reconciliation? I believe you do have an answer. Your door is open. So, onto my suggestions.

H is teetering. Grasping and still confused. He might run, he might not.

You do what is right for you. Grace you are a beacon. The door is not nailed shut. Let your light shine for him.

- - - -

H

Your idea of moving back home is intriguing. However, for that to possibly happen there needs to be some steps between OW’s house and mine. One of those steps is you living on your own. I want to be very clear: If you are with OW you are not with me.

I am willing to consider seeing if we have any chemistry or spark. But again, if you are with OW or any other GF you are not with me.

Much has changed in these past years. We are not the same people we once were.

I have a full and happy life. And like I said during our conversation, I am not 100% sure I want a divorce. But, I am 100% sure I am not going to be sitting around. I am living my life.

I did enjoy our talk.

Grace

- - - -

He has a big step to make. Ending things with OW.

Everyone needs some hope that their future could be brighter when lost in the darkness. It’s ok to show H the open door. To fan his flickering flame of hope alive. Its not necessarily for reconciliation - it’s for his healing. For with out that, reconciliation is not going to happen.

If/when he ends things with OW, there is much more to say and gently encourage him about.

You keep living your life, and shinning bright. These MLCers do watch us. Your’s has poked out a bit. Keep doing what your doing, and follow your beliefs.

Your path isn’t based upon H.

I am sure you’ve opened those packed away indifferent feelings and looked at them and tried them on. They don’t even hurt anymore. Right? Compassionate indifference? Reflecting upon the conversation - how forgiving are you?

Some of those internal questions and answers. Regardless of what H decides.

I am very proud of you.

DnJ