Thanks BenB

[Mumin]

Hi everyone,
Reading forums and finding BenB brought me here (I am also from Scandinavia). Thank you BenB!
Just ordered the DR book and have started reading several posts here (seeing all my mistakes), but finding time is hard when trying to GAL and spending time with the kids. Actually at work/office right now (saturday) to get some space and quiet.


Me and W met almost 12 years ago (she was 18) and have actually lived together almost as long. We have gone through different phases but in general never had a real fight. Our biggest crisis was when we were getting our first child and I wasn't sure if I wanted (went to a counselor and had some really tough months). We have also struggled to get enough sex (whatever that means) and since we got our first child we have had several times that we didn't have sex for several weeks and even months. Typically W needs to have "the right feeling" for sex to happen. We (mostly she did) talked about this as a problem but never deep enough. I see now that I really should have taken this much much more seriously.

Timeline:
*Almost 3 years ago we got our 2nd and moved to our first house. We both love(d) the house but since W didn't have a drivers license and was on maternity leave she was quite alone the first year (I also traveled a bit for work).

*Fall 2018 she started a new job in a completely different role (salesman) and with more money. The ppl at work are also very different to most of her older friends. (At this time we also started to plan our wedding for 2019)

*In April last year (after a period of unusually high amounts of sex in January and February) I started to feel something was wrong. End of April she and another female co-worker spent the night at a male co-workers apartment. Our house is a bit remote and at this time I didn't think much about it.

* May/June we talk fairly often but she never really communicates her feelings and I don't really understand if its about me or life in general or something else. Says she's having second thoughts about the marriage but doesn't want to stop it. Spends way more time on her phone and I see she often Snapchats to the male co-worker.

*The summer was fairly good but low intimacy and not that real connection we usually have. I kept trying to get answers but she avoided to talk.

*The wedding was actually amazing and we had a blast.

*We had a mini-honeymoon weekend with our first sex since February she cried a bit after and when I asked why she said it was so much feelings since we hadn't had sex for so long.

*September things got really bad again, she hardly smiled and it got real tense between us. Especially after I found out (after checking her phone (which I have stopped doing)) that she had feelings for the male co-worker. She said it was feelings she had in May but that they probably had passed... I ask repeatedly if something has happen but she says no. I see she doesn't always wear her ring and I comment on it.

*October she finally admits its about me and her and I eventually say she has to make up her mind if she wants to give our M a chance or not, because not talking is only making things worse.
She also goes and buys a very expensive bag, which is something she would have laughed at a few years ago.
I started seeing a coach who I am still seeing. Has helped a lot.

*6th Dec she drops the bomb and says she wants to separate. I jump in to things and start planning practical things rather than say WTF? After a few days I realize what is actually about to happen and say I need more time to talk and understand. I ask if she wants a D but she never really answers..

*I book couples/family therapy but she doesn't show up, says she forgot...

*Spends the night after a night out at the male-coworkers place but lies to me about it. I find out after asking her sister the next day if W is awake but she isn't even there. Her sister get worried and calls immediately. I confront her again that evening and ask repeatedly if something is going on or has happend. "Not even a touch on the leg?" But she claims no and even says that HE has said that nothing is going to happen. That they are just really close friends...

*We spend Christmas apart (she with her family and me and the kids with mine). She completely avoids my family with whom's she has had a very close relationship over the years. Just sits in the car when leaving the kids...

*We spend new years apart and after have spent most nights apart since. She mostly sleeps at her sister place but has also told me (rather than me finding out later) that she slept 2/3 times at his place. We alternate living in the house together with the kids (whom we have not yet told). When I tell her that we will be splitting costs (I pay more) after the separation she is surprised and says she hasnt really thought about this. I even make her an Excel sheet with all our costs so she can do her own analysis. Pretty sure she never opened it again though.

*One night we have a really close talk, laugh, cry together, hug and she says "I love you" and I can hear she means it. She even says she sometimes get hope for us as a couple some time...

*We go to our first couples therapy mid January and it is a good session, we talk about our love and quite a bit about her and her youth. She cries and hugs me several times (she hasnt cried almost at all through this whole process). However after she says it was awful and probably doesnt want to go back.

*A week later we have had very little contact and I remind her about the next appointment time. She dosen't really answer me, as usual. One day when we're supposed switch she asked to do it the next day and after asking she admits she has filled here lips and doesn't want to show the kids yet.

* Of course she doesn't show up to the third session (three days ago). "Didn't you cancel it? I said it was really hard on me didn't I?" I get angry and text her several things including things like "Are you ever going to meet ME in this? Right no we are on a path to never having contact again, other than about the kids!"
I also tell her its her actions in this process that makes me frustrated and hurts me the most, not the actual decision to separate. She says she is having a hard time communicating because its natural for her to just want to please everyone and has a bad conscience for everything.

Other things:
I think having a wedding to plan during this process has held us back.
My logical sense says she actually didn't cheat, but to lie about all this is perhaps even worse than the cheat.
W's parents got D'd when she was 11/12 and her mother is diagnosed with some sort of borderline or bi-polar psychological illness (today she and her mother have no contact).
I till have here last name which sometimes feels really weird. I wanted to switch, but now...
I talk a lot with my brother about all this, but reading posts here it seems most ppl suggest to avoid that.
Most of me wants to just talk and understand more but I am also starting to feel like "going dark".


Id really like to hear you perspectives on things but also have a few questions right now:
Ben said to avoid counselling as much as possible, do you agree?
How and when do we tell the kids? I don't really want to say "WE dont love each other anymore" since this is her doing. At the same time I have read it isn't good to portray any sort of blame when talking to the kids.
I have been considering filing paper since I am getting tired of all this. Like show up one night with the papers signed and ready, only waiting for her signature. Would you wait?
My coach said I need to channel my anger, use it. "Ask yourself: "Is this OK with me?" If not, ACT!" Whats your take on this, I am typically someone who is never really angry and avoid conflict.
I exercise and play computer games to take my mind of things. GAL tips are appreciated