Spouse on the brink

[sandi2]

Hi Spouse2, I'm Sandi2. I'm glad you have started a thread. The things you've been saying about men is ringing a familiar sound to me. When I joined the board in 2007, I was very much on the brink. I owe my ole mentors a lot of credit for telling me the things I needed to hear. I felt there was not another person like me on the board, b/c the vast majority are what we call, the LBS (left behind spouse, either physically or emotionally in the MR). They are the ones who show up here, b/c they are desperate to save their M. I bought Divorce Remedy, at the board members suggestion,.......to discover it was mostly directed to those who want to save their M, and are willing to do the work. I wasn't sure I wanted to save my MR. I was pretty sure my H would ever change, and I was too emotionally dead to take that challenge again.

I wasn't what you'd call a "sweetheart" with some board members, but as a whole, was treated well. I don't know if you have reached the place I did, but I had a massive amount of resentment toward my H. It was all I could do to be in the same room with him for five minutes.

My emotional needs had not been met in years. Then I started a behavior that I had NEVER done in my life, that involved the Internet. I quickly found myself in an EA. Not only was my A still going when I came to the board, I had already started to tell my grown kids little things to prepare them for when I would leave and go to the OM.

I encourage you to post more on your thread, so that others may have a designated place to respond to your sitch. You may wonder why I am still hanging around after all this time. I want to pay forward the help I received. I mostly post to LBH's, b/c you'd be shocked know just how many of them have NGS, with the whole passive thing going on in their lives. I saw where you had responded to the subject of Alphas, and said something to the effect that it sounds like a bunch of beta guys trying pump the alpha mentality. You are right! There are a lot of confused guys who have no idea how to interact with a strong, independent woman. They go into the M thinking the way to keep the wife happy, is by basically letting her have her way all the time, while he keeps his head down and mouth closed. He becomes a doormat, doesn't know her love language or how to fill her emotional needs, and has no idea how to be a leader of his family. Therefore, you will see a lot of talk on the board about how these passive nice guys need to get need to get respect from their W, and what needs to change in them to get it. It might seem hype to you, but it has actually turned some men around. And, those guys who don't bust a D, have gained enough self esteem they can handle it and move on.

I'm going to ask some questions, to hopefully help us see your sitch better. What are the ages of you & H? Any kids, and if so what are their ages? Since you've given your H the "bomb drop", can you give an approximate date? You can put these on your signature page, which helps up to remember.

Have either of you been in an inappropriate relationship with someone outside the M? Have you considered it, since you are not happy in the current MR? I'm not just talking about an affair (you said none), but what about texting others, or having a friendship with someone that excludes your spouse? Have you ever had an imaginary affair, or an emotional affair?

I have been married for more than a decade. During the marriage, I experienced a lot of personal growth. He has not.

Same in my sitch, except I've been married since the dawn of the universe.

He refuses to deal with any issues between us. He is says everything was good enough.

Good enough? Like, "Hold up, we've had quite enough happiness. We don't want to get too happy!"

I had decided to seek the help of a therapist to process these feelings I was having: anger, resentment, loneliness.

I hear ya! Same with me, only I did not seek therapy. If I had, maybe I would not have had an A,

But I was so dead inside that I didn't care.

If you had told us nothing more than that one sentence........it would have alerted me. The "feeling dead" is absolutely horrible, and perhaps the LBH's think it should be no problem to snap out of it, but it's not that simple. I felt as if I had no energy left to give my MR, and furthermore, I had always been the one who put "energy" into the relationship. It certainly wasn't my TV addicted, passive H. I suggest the resentment you are carrying around is taking a toll on your mental energy, also. Just a guess. I was so bitter toward my H, that I couldn't muster up enough concern to care. Plus, I would get frustrated at a few board members who sounded as if they thought I, Sandi2, was to blame for the downfall of my MR! Didn't they hear me say how I had always been the worker?

Then I started to notice a change. First, I saw he ordered the book on our Amazon account. I looked at the computer and saw he was visiting this site. I lurked to see what this site was

Years back, there was a LBH who joined the board, and his WAW accidentally discovered it. Long story short, their M was saved, and they both posted on the board quite a while.

I can hardly stand my spouse. Every day I say to myself, “I don't like you.” It is so difficult for me. Other people do not like him, either. He is not very social. We are not friends with any couples because no one likes him. I realize I may be rewriting some history. We did have love at some point.

I truly understand what you are saying. May I suggest one small thing to do during the rest of this month? Stop reminding yourself how you can barely stand him.

I blamed everything on my H, and my mindset was filled with negativity. I told you how frustrated I would become at certain board members, but let me tell you two things I was told that really sunk into my mindset.

1. You are the one who showed up, so you get the advice from the board.....not your H. (but in your case, both of you will be getting help)

2. You are responsible for your own happiness, not your H.

Spouse2 please check your thread often, b/c I have a feeling it's going to take off fast.