Patience and Limbo (Core thread 3)

[hoosjim]

Those of you that reconciled, do you regret it? I'm recalling more of my past and remember more and more of the bad times. Was it worth it to you to go through all this?

Regret is maybe the wrong word... Don't get me wrong, my MR right now is in most ways stronger and better than it has ever been-- more open, more cooperative, more intimate (and not just sex, there's alot more to intimacy than sex.. in fact the greater portion of intimacy, imho, is stuff other than sex), etc. That said... after a trauma like infidelity and separation or near divorce or, even in some cases, actual divorce, a MR can never be exactly the same again. Some of that pain and hurt and experience is always going to be there-- it becomes part of your history and who you are and what your MR is. I myself have posted about my struggles in getting past that betrayal and hurt (and that's in a situation where I am pretty sure my W did not actually sleep with her AP!) Yes, the resolution of that can lead to very good stuff ultimately-- renewal of the marriage, increased intimacy, etc, but there is also some hard stuff. As others have posted here a MR is deliberate, intentional-- it takes continual work. It;s not like having a new GF or BF where your gut is full of butterflies and you can't keep your hands off each other and every moment is that limerance-soaked bliss, nor, even, is it like being newlyweds. Because those "feelings" always wear off. In the end, love is a choice... it's something you choose to show your spouse, and by the same token it takes intentionality to keep a MR fresh, and loving, and joyful... and that can be hard when you have that history of hurt to overcome. It (the hurt) does diminish over time, but i am told it usually never is gone completely. The trick is to learn to forgive, to not hang on to the resentment, to not let those feelings poison your MR. That is something i have struggled with a bit, but i am getting better (especially with the help of my IC/MC, who is The Bomb.)

Also, once you start GAL-ing and 180-ing in earnest, and really start seeing the results in terms of self-fulfillment and mindset, returning to the MR can be a bit of come-down if you are not careful. For me, fitness and faith (I started attending and become actively involved in a new church amongst other things) were the cornerstones of my GAL. I also spent a great deal of time reconnecting with friends with whom i had lost touch, and socializing as much as my schedule would allow. At some point a couple of months into reconciliation, I was having one of my crises of conscience/mindset/whatever... I had gone back to attending church with my W at her church, wasn't exercising quite as much, was spending by necessity less time with friends (time spent now with W socially) and, also, was noticing my head being turned just a bit by attractive women who seemed interested in me (no more than that, just "noticing"). At any rate, I had a weekend visiting my best friend while W was away visiting her Sister on the opposite coast, and we were talking and I mentioned some of the above, including my concern that i shouldn't even be looking at other women and what that said about me, etc.) and at one point he asked me "Are you happy about getting back together?" My answer was "Yes, of course"... "But at the same time, during that period before i thought we were reconciling (recall i had a couple of false starts)... it sucked, and I wouldn't want to necessarily go through that again, but in some ways I never felt more alive." And that, I think, in essence, sums up one of the great challenges of reconciling and, indeed, of being married at all. There is some talk of this recently in Steve85's thread, but the essence of it is that you never want to stop your GAL-ing and looking for constructive ways to 180, even after you have R-d. You always want to feel fully alive... don't ever get complacent and lose that. Of course, that also is not the "easy" way out, and takes intentionality and work.

All of this is one of the reasons that healthy detachment and self-improvement and self-reflection are so important to DBing, imho-- Embarking on piecing/reconciiation is not not and should not be just about the wayward or walk-away spouse doing work on themselves, seeking forgiveness, and coming back to the MR-- it is equally important for the LBS to do their own work, become the best version of themselves they can be and, in the end, figure out what this new person they have become really wants. And it is similarly important to maintain that self-improvement and constantly be looking for ways to make yourself, and your MR, the best it can be.

Hope this helps.

I sense W is gaining some respect and I do see more is needed if I were to be happy. We split time in the MBR. Wondering if I should take it back. We're on good terms however I don't yet see us piecing unless its a very slow process. What are thoughts on taking the MBR back permanently now that W said she wants to reconcile, whether she meant it or not.

I never voluntarily left the MBR in my sitch. I am sympathetic to the notion that there may be extenuating circumstances, such as the workspace scenario someone else posted here, but, by and large, I think the LBH, if he is truly interested in saving the MR, has to stake his claim to both the marital BR and marital home. In my own case, the situation was a LITTLE grayer in that our MBR bed/matress SUCKED. The one in the guest room was much more comfortable and both W and I suffer from back/neck symptoms. As such, the MBR was not always necessarily the more desirable sleeping spot, and sometimes we still go over to the guest room to sleep. That said, the "HQ" of the house was CLEARLY the MBR, and when push came to shove and I started setting boundaries I made it clear that I would be sleeping in the MBR. I cannot over-emphasize how crucial it is to gain back a woman's respect if you are going to gain back her love-- Sandi2 and others have written here in detail on this and a woman simply cannot feel romantically attracted to a man she does not respect. Running away and hiding in another BR of the house when she starts having an A is NOT the way to gain that respect.

Being a nice guy, what are other ways to get more respect here? Overall I think W is the only person who disrespects me. Really makes me wonder if my NG behaviors are that bad. I'd be disrespected left and right if that was the case.

Do not confuse lack of vitriol from your W with "respect." She can lack respect for you and still behave civilly towards you in your interactions. In fact, one of my W's "tells" that she was contacting or had just contacted or was preparing to go see "OM" was that she would start treating my much nicer and more solicitously. Remember,the opposite of love is not "hate"... it is "indifference."

Also, until you are at "piecing" you should believe nothing that she says and only 50% of what she does.