I don't know what to do next

[SteveLW]

Hi there,
I'm new here and I'm not fully sure what info you're in need of.
I'm in my late 30s, husband is early 40s.
We've been together for 17 years and have two kids - 4 and 6.
In those years, I've lost my job, went to university and got 2 degrees, he went back to college and graduated, we've bought two houses, he had an affair, entered recovery for alcohol, dealt with the death of his mom and we've dealt with infertility.
We haven't communicated well in the past and both became complacent in our marriage. Things have been rough for the last couple of months. Before Christmas, he told me he wanted to get through Christmas and then talk about our marriage.
January 4th he told he wanted to separate.
Jan 7th I told him I wanted to work on our marriage and wasn't ready to give up, that I had been hopeful this whole time that things would work out. That when he did little things for me (specific example I gave was buying me the little surprise bags of candy that my corner store sells) it makes me believe that he still loves me.
Jan 8th I bought the book and started devouring it. I'm trying not to pursue, not to let his moods affect me etc.
In the past 2 weeks, he invited me out for breakfast, texted to pick me up coffee on his way home (hasn't happened in over 6 months) and bought me a bag of candy. I was trying so hard not to get my hopes up.

Last night he told me that nothing has changed and he's going to start apartment hunting.

I am gutted.

I don't know what to do.

I don't want my marriage to end. We have been through so much [censored], I can't just give up.

Help.

SOrry you are here. But I think many of the posters here can help you find some clarity.

You've read the book so you are already further ahead than the majority of newcomers here. However, I can see you are still hyper-focused on him looking for any signs of a turnaround. You you detach well by not pursuing and not letting his moods (I would challenge you to change that to not letting his words and actions affect your mood!), then he feels a loss of control over you and starts with the breakfasts, coffees, and candies. It is typical WAS behavior. He wants you as his Plan B. And as long as he feels he can come back to you anytime that he wants, he will continue to look at his walkaway plan as Plan A.

He's had an affair in the past so likely he is already working on another, if not already in another. However, none of that changes what you need to do. What you need to is remove yourself as Plan B. YOu don't do that through words, you do that through actions. GAL like crazy. Be busy busy busy. 180 on the bad behavior you might have engaged in the past. Become a woman only a fool would leave. And keep working on detachment. I know you said you are trying to not pursue or let his moods affect you, but guess what. A few breakfasts, coffees and candies later you start to have expectations, and set yourself up for being gutted when he tells you he still wants what he told you he wants. Your goal should be that he could come to you and tell you he had a orgy with 50 women, and you would be all: "Ok." and go right back to whatever you were doing without batting an eye. Difficult? Yes. But not impossible.

Expect the worst, hope for the best.