My W has been reaching out a lot to inquire about my thoughts on what's going on with our kids. I find it really difficult not to respond.
Hey U - I may not be up on everything in your sit, but are you not responding at all when it comes to the kids?
Originally Posted by unchien
I can detach from anything involving me and her, but when kids are involved it feels so entangled. She projects her feelings onto them ("the kids are worried about <something my W is actually worried about>", for instance) and then asks what I think. As genuine as this may appear on the surface, I know it is bait, and the goal is to get me to react and then we get drawn into an exchange where I end up validating and deflecting and trying to exit as quickly as possible. But in the moment.... it is so HARD to hold back from responding.
You already know I don't have kids. But you and W have to discuss what is going on with them. Even if you think your W is projecting, and especially since you cannot be sure if it is projection or not.
I'm not saying have deep meaningful conversations. But you both have to talk. Otherwise you end up in a situation like I did with my parents. And you definitely don't want that.
I don't think it's "bait", but I do think she is testing your newfound strength. I would respond to the parts that need responding to. I have practiced this in my sit. With texting I use a lot of "I will" statements when applicable. It shows more decisiveness. I ignore anything MLC/whatever related and pick apart the text to see what the meaning is (as best I can). If there is something I don't know I will say something like "I will have to think about that. I will get back to you."
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I do not feel like she has a healthy curiosity about my thoughts on parenting. I know it is bait, and if I bite, my thoughts will be dissected, refuted, analyzed, and debated. I may be called names. I typically give a bland neutral response (such as, "Yeah, I noticed that behavior, I am also concerned")... because I don't want to be accused of not responding and hence not caring. I can deal with all the blowback, I believe I am emotionally strong enough at this point, but it feels pointless to engage. Especially when she characterizes any response that doesn't agree with her opinions as "angry" or "venomous", etc.
I hate to say it, but she doesn't care. Just like my W doesn't care right now. That's all part of whatever it is they are going through. It's also why MC doesn't matter.
You can't control what she thinks. But that is her opinion, not fact.
Originally Posted by unchien
I've been reading some co-parenting books about how to handle these situations. I am struggling to figure out how much to engage. I have a very very fine speck of trust right now with my W. Ideally I'd like to trust her more in the future and be able to have healthy conversations about our kids. I have no clue how to rebuild that trust when there is no healthy forum to do that. MC would have been an opportunity, but W spent 6 months sticking to the same tune of safety concerns, etc. Maybe this is just what it is, and as years pass we will build trust with the mere passage of time. I am sad for my kids to see what is happening. I have the instinct to be protective and stand up for what I think is right, but I also recognize it is a losing proposition to engage with my W right now.
Perhaps in the future I will feel like my parenting opinions are respected. At the moment, it's more of her "let's be on the same page" script... meaning she writes the book and I read it. Pretty sure I'm going to be vilified (in her mind) for a long time if not forever, no matter what happens.
Part of separation is living alone and doing things your way. The kids are your kids too. Your parenting decisions are important too, even if it's not in her script. If she wanted you both fully on the same page, then why are you separated?
Makes no sense.
I think you're wise to keep contact low. I know because I am in the same boat. My W is all over the place and I do not want to be in the middle of this carnage.
I wish I had more advice, U. Keep posting, man. And I would recommend going back and re reading your whole sit once in a while. It helped me a lot, I think it will help you too
