Those of you that reconciled, do you regret it? I'm recalling more of my past and remember more and more of the bad times. Was it worth it to you to go through all this?
Core - caveat, I have not reconciled with W, I have been in IHS for 11 months now, it's been 17 months since BD1 for me.
I caution you against rewriting the past. WAS and LBS both tend to rewrite the past in an effort to justify what they are doing and feeling. You are going to be angry, sad, frustrated, etc. And you're going to want to see things that happen in the past and try to make sense of them and how they relate to what you are going through now, telling yourself it was never that great, or you should have seen it sooner.
Don't do that.
It is completely natural for your brain to try to solve a problem, that's what it is designed to do. So if you tell yourself "bad things happened all the time in my marriage", your brain will search for those bad things and line them all up together, in an effort to solve that "problem" and generate a simple solution for you that "ends the pain right now".
Generally speaking, people don't stay in marriages that are bad for that long of a time if things were really that bad. Life has many ups and downs, really bad moments, and really great moments. The WAS has chosen to see only the bad moments.
It is up to the LBS to decide what he or she wants to see. I would recommend to keep your good memories equally as much as the bad.
Originally Posted by Core
I sense W is gaining some respect and I do see more is needed if I were to be happy. We split time in the MBR. Wondering if I should take it back. We're on good terms however I don't yet see us piecing unless its a very slow process. What are thoughts on taking the MBR back permanently now that W said she wants to reconcile, whether she meant it or not. Being a nice guy, what are other ways to get more respect here? Overall I think W is the only person who disrespects me. Really makes me wonder if my NG behaviors are that bad. I'd be disrespected left and right if that was the case.
A recap, we agreed to reconcile then W asked for time/space to process her feelings. I've upped my GAL. We talk way more, and are connecting ever so slightly. No counseling or future plans together. I think I've been controlled and placated or am I over thinking it and I should give more time?
In short - more time and space.
I'm going to go against the grain here with the MBR business, because it became very clear to me that the MBR did not matter in my sit. Everyone's situation is different. This is how mine was different from everyone else's.
Neither of the bedrooms in the house were nice, W and I are poor. I always spent a lot of time working on my own projects in the other BR before BD - for over a decade. When BD happened W wanted to take that over and start rearranging everything in the house to suit her wishes. I shut that down really quick - standing up for myself and telling her that no, i would not accept that. I was not about to lose my work space and have all the house turned upside down simply because she wanted out of the R. She was very angry about it but I stood my ground.
I realize this is in the minority of situations here on the forum, and some people would frown on what I did and how I did it. That's fine, they can say what they want, I really don't care.
But I have a clear conscience about what I did, and i actually gained some respect back from W for telling her that no, nothing was to be moved because she wanted a new life.
Anyway I think mine is an example of what they say here - "do what works". Every sit is unique, despite having many similar characteristics.
I would advise you to determine where you can earn areas of respect back from W. Maybe it is taking back the MBR, maybe it isn't. I don't know your sit other than reading words on a screen. I would advise testing out areas where you think you can get respect back.
