Stranger In My House Part 2

[sandi2]

I have come to grips that H is a new person. I think he is making many mistakes but he will have to see that for himself and who knows if he will ever open his eyes to see. He is in such a dangerous fog. He is spiraling out of control so that I don't even think it is a good idea for me and the children to be around him much.

The point of detaching is to step back from the drama the wayward spouse is causing in his life......and consequently, in your life. This technique is to mentally protect yourself. The children need one of their parents to maintain a sense of calmness in the center of the storm, and you can't do it while getting caught up in the WS drama. From this point forward, I hope you can draw an invisible fortress around yourself, and the stuff WS does, you refuse to allow it to penetrate that fortress. You watch him from afar (emotionally/mentally), but as of today, you refuse to get carried out in the storm of his wayward behavior. Think of him as an entity, and you are not going to attach yourself....... b/c it will destroy you. God will hold you up and you'll survive the storm, if you will continue to let go and put the WS issues into the capable hands of God.

I looked at him today and for a quick moment I did feel empathy and even pity as I did in the first few weeks post-BD. Additionally though, when I looked in his eyes, I saw a scared stranger that was not familiar to me. H has changed so much in such a short period of time.

You can have empathy for what he experienced in his past, just as long as you know the difference between an excuse and an explanation. Perhaps his past explains the current behavior........but it does not excuse the current behavior. I learned a technique many years ago, that has served me well, whenever I was letting someone else's behavior affect my own personal life, to the point of consuming me. I'll attempt to give a short explanation of what I mean.

As you know, there are different categories of personal love. Love for God is in a separate category all by its self. He is #1. Love for your spouse is in a category that does not include anyone else, b/c this is romantic, sexual love. In other words, you don't (or shouldn't) love anyone else with the same type of personal love that feel for your spouse. Then there is a category that includes our children & closest family members. The category that includes many members is the one that is seen as less "personal". Friends, church members, relatives, neighbors, acquaintances, co-workers, etc. Okay, so the point here is that whenever your spouse (which in the 2nd most personal love category) is making an emotional wreck out of you b/c of all the drama surrounding him, you mentally put him in the category of less personal love. In other words, your attention & compassion for him is no more/less than if he was in that last category I mentioned. It provides a way to help you step back and emotionally detach, so that it does not take such a big chunk out of your soul. You can't control him, but you can mentally protect yourself by following this technique. The good thing is it helps you see and think more clearly, and you don't have to stop loving him completely.........it's just not to the emotional degree or intensity that passionate love takes on you. Another plus is you don't have to permanently keep in the less personal love category. If he gets his act together, you can instantly put him back into category #2. In the meantime, you mentally see him in the same light you might see someone afar......who is scr@wing up the lives of his family. We women tend to get too emotionally invested in the personal problems of our friends, much less our own family. IMHO, this technique works well to help us step back when their personal problems interfere with our mental/emotional health.

I hope I continue in this sober mood and do not go back to the feeling of desperation and bawling my eyes out. H was never really all that great a husband if I am honest and, for the past half of our M, was not a good husband a lot of the time (infidelity, drinking problems, financial irresponsibility, not much help with kids, no help around the house, etc.). I think what I am really mourning is the fact that my family will no longer be in tact.
My children will live in dysfunction and never experience the things I have through my own family.

((Hesable), may I gently suggest that when considering the negative issues tied to their father, the children has already lived in dysfunction. Perhaps you see divorce throwing your children into dysfunction. I think I understand you mourning the loss of this family unit that included both biological parents under the same roof. I think I understand the grief that your children may never have the same experience as you had with your biological parents in the home. However, I have known too many 2nd marriages that gave the children the love, security and structure in the home, that was not there in the 1st marriage & home life for the kids. I'm not trying to diminish what you feel, or what you are saying. My thoughts are that YOU may have camouflaged the previous/current dysfunction caused by your WH, in order to keep the family until together. There's nothing wrong in wanting your children to have the same good experiences as you had with your parents. Would your WH need to make a 180, in order for the kids to share the same childhood experiences as you? Can you force him to make those 180's?

I am exhausted being the only one standing. At some point, dont I also deserve some of the "happiness" H is pursuing? I am sick of being the only mature, responsible person in my home. I have said that even pre-BD.

You deserve to have a grown man for a husband. You deserve to have a man who is as invested in the marriage/family/home life as you. When I was younger, I wanted to be happy. These days, I just want to have peace. You can't have the first until you have the second.........and the second will bring the first.