Stranger In My House Part 2

[HesAble]

Yesterday I was bawling my eyeballs out and today - thank goodness - I have sobered to the fact that my marriage is dead. Only God can resuscitate it at this point, as far as I am concerned. But I have come to grips that H is a new person. I think he is making many mistakes but he will have to see that for himself and who knows if he will ever open his eyes to see. He is in such a dangerous fog. He is spiraling out of control so that I don't even think it is a good idea for me and the children to be around him much.

I looked at him today and for a quick moment I did feel empathy and even pity as I did in the first few weeks post-BD. Additionally though, when I looked in his eyes, I saw a scared stranger that was not familiar to me. H has changed so much in such a short period of time.

I hope I continue in this sober mood and do not go back to the feeling of desperation and bawling my eyes out. H was never really all that great a husband if I am honest and, for the past half of our M, was not a good husband a lot of the time (infidelity, drinking problems, financial irresponsibility, not much help with kids, no help around the house, etc.). I think what I am really mourning is the fact that my family will no longer be in tact.
My children will live in dysfunction and never experience the things I have through my own family.

I, of course, will do all I can to stand for the M and for my family but I cannot stand alone and if my H is as miserable as he seems being with me, I don't want to hold him. I am letting go and letting God. I said I had let go a few weeks ago, but I don't think I had let go to the degree I am ready to now.

This is my second round of DBing (H's infidelity and giving up on our marriage years ago led me to DB and it worked). I am exhausted being the only one standing. At some point, dont I also deserve some of the "happiness" H is pursuing? I am sick of being the only mature, responsible person in my home. I have said that even pre-BD.

This M has definitely not brought much happiness; in fact, it has brought me some of the biggest periods of disappointment, betrayal and depression that I have experienced in my entire life. No one has ever hurt me the way H has more than once. Perhaps H is right and there is "happiness" out there with someone else. I personally believe happiness comes from within but perhaps having a supportive loving partner would definitely help in that area. A friend was telling me some success stories of a couple of her friends who divorced but went on to find love. There is hope for me.