I think I would be questioning my decision a LOT more if I knew there was an OW in my sitch. I imagine I would be detaching big time because I would be so angry. It's hard to know, of course, what I would do. As you say, some days your feelings are all over the place. That seems completely normal, though not pleasant. I can imagine a vet stepping in and saying time will reveal your own answers to these questions you're asking. Not sure if I have that right, though!
Sending hugs, wayfarer.
As this isn't my first rodeo with a less than stellar partner, I can tell you from experience detachment can't come from a place of anger. If there's anger there, you aren't detached. The last one's mistress was booze and pills. But he was a walking giant red flag, from day one, that in my teen hormone addled, not fully formed frontal lobe brain thought I could save and he could save me. And that was a vastly different story than the one I'm in now.
The truth is OW doesn't bother me. The affair really truly doesn't bother me. Infidelity was never a deal breaker for me. H wasn't privy to that info but that's the truth of the matter. Infidelity happens all the time. People get past it all the time. With and without DBing or other methods. I was a cheater. Granted my ex was a pretty awful person. But the LBS is hardly ever the real reason behind the cheating. It's always trying to fill holes with another person. It's resting hope in a physical form, while in the back of your mind knowing damn well you don't have a chance in hell of this ending with hope.
I've been my H. Hell I've been OW. Not in this marriage. But I've been them. And all I have for them both is empathy. And to continue with my frankness I told both of them that at one point or another. For better or worse. These things die. And they don't die quietly. And they don't die easily. And it's awful to have to mourn something you thought was the world, the light at the end of your tunnel only to realize that light was you setting you're whole world on fire and your tunnel vision let you ignore that you burnt it all to the ground. It's awful to mourn what you thought was your life raft and watching the dinghy and the ship going down in front of you knowing it was you that sunk both. My H is lost. He's been lost. He will continue to be lost. He has so much he's shoved down being the "good vibes only" guy. The holes he's filling are chasms. OW is a sad girl, who is my age, no kids, never married, no degree, and so insecure that she has to chase after a married man. I have nothing but empathy and maybe condescendingly a little pity for them both.
What drives my anger, my sadness, my hurt, my swings, my inability to detach, is the stranger that I'm living with. He engages my fear, my insecurities, my childhood and past relationship issues. He took the one thing in my life I thought was safe. The first home in my whole life I've felt completely secure in and burnt it to ashes, and has the audacity to look me in the face and say "I just don't think we can make each other happy. I just want us both to be happy." When only a few months ago we were half naked on a beach drunk and couldn't get enough of each other. What's killing me is him making me feel like the last 7 years of my life were a complete lie. Like our entire relationship up to BD was all in my head, like a silly little school girl.With that his vilification of me, his rewriting of history, his constant pendulous swing from her to us, living his life as if he isn't married but when I say "hey just let me know if you're coming back tonight don't want to not set the alarm and leave the lights on if you're not" and his response is "I'll be home." Home. HOME. He'll be home. How are you out there living like I don't exist? Like I'm not home with a child that I didn't birth while you do as you please, but still call the place we sleep your home? That right there is why I struggle to detach.
That being said, I've had a few good days. His date night Tuesday. Great night with the kids, and I fell sound asleep before he came home. Yesterday enjoyed his company while he gave it to me. I have plans all weekend. My old goals when I first read DR were to communicate better, to be open and honest with each other, to keep my emotions in check with him. At this point we are so far beyond any of that being a long sustaining option, my little goals are now not analyzing every "good" thing he's doing, keeping him guessing, and letting him be open and honest about where he's going and what he's doing with out reacting. With a bigger goal of going a whole week with out him throwing me into turmoil. I've been struggling with trying to be perfectly detached and an amazing DBer. I realized after reading Stages for the LBS it's a process, and in reality this is all very very new. Only like 2 months. It's a marathon not a sprint. I gotta feel those feelings and move through them not around them. I need to work through my grief over this MR, and who H used to be. I need to accept that's gotta happen before perfection at detachment and none of this comes overnight. But I'm still in this. And messy emotions and confusion are ok. I love him, even this broken selfish version of himself. I still want to fight for my family and my marriage. And battered and broken as I feel some days I'm still standing, perfectly imperfect.
