Gerda Finally Sees the Broken Fragments

[Rita]

Friends,you can't imagine the drama of the last week. The stip of H not being allowed back was on then off then on, he refused to sign unless he added some pork barrels, I held out, my L got furious with me, I thought of waffling, then H caved....

Anyway my latest battle is with thoughts.

I have been learning that if I think about H and all that happened and especially about the OW, I feel terrible. But if I don't, I really enjoy my life, feel good about myself, worries about the money stuff and if I will get to keep my house, etc., but overall, I have joy being alive and projects I want to do, hopes for my future (not romantic but other kinds), and lots more friends and some family. I have been learning that I can push the other thoughts out of my mind. No contact really is healing. I used to feel that not thinking about things was lying to myself because all my thoughts were truly happening in real life. But now I can sort of pretend they aren't happening or just not take them in because I don't have to see or hear anything as I did when he lived here.

But once a week on Wednesdays, and then every other weekend and sometimes in between after texts from H to D10, I get a little unwelcome pipeline. This is quite a lot of pipeline. I am happy in no contact but D10 is the contact. H does a lot to get at me through her. I don't even know if he is doing it on purpose but every time she comes back and I have to hear something, all my peace, joy, hope, happiness, gets toppled. I get it back, don't worry, but it takes me a while. It is so painful. I want to have less pain around those transitions of D back into my home.

Here are two excerpts from my visitation record to give you an idea of what I mean. The issue about the card is that H had a credit card sent here I assume so that he could daily harass me about it for two weeks. I have been asking him to have his mail forwarded since he left in June but then he just writes long diatribes about how this is his home until it's not his home, until he has his money and can create his home, etc. I kept ignoring the notes about the credit card except once in a while to write, "Card is not here," or to say he should have it sent to the bank. I finally had to have a friend write to him to explain that some months ago the postman asked me about my forwarding his mail and I said he didn't live here anymore, so his mail was probably getting sent back. And that I could not be responsible for his personal affairs and that I did not want to have any contact with him. No answer to my friend but he still had D10 come in to look for the card! And mind you, all that is happening while he keeps dragging me back into court to decimate me, refuse my settlement offers, etc. And my motion, if he read it, was quite devastating as far as laying out his abuse and his addiction issues and total abdication of responsibility for the kids, S14's suicidal thoughts, refusal to see him, etc. But he just kept sending me these pseudo-detached texts about his credit card in between!

OK, here are the visitation records.

D10 said -- “Papa said I have a problem. He told me I have a problem and I am going to be a fat person.” She started to cry. I comforted her and told her I knew how much she loved sweets and I did too, and that as she got older, she would have more will power. She came back a minute later for another hug, and while she was hugging me, she wanted to tell me more. She said that he told her that he “wanted all the boys to chase you, and you have to be thin for boys to chase you.”

D10 came home from seeing H. She said she was very annoyed with Papa because he was talking to the other person for over an hour. She said she kept saying, “Papa! Papa!” to get him to get off but he wouldn’t get off the phone. She said, “I only see him for a few hours a week and he spent an hour on the phone with her!” She also told me that “they figured out why Papa’s card hadn’t come.” She told me, Papa said, “I’m so f-ing (she said the word) mad at Mama. She told the postman that I didn’t live there anymore! I’m so f-ing p-sed at her!” I said, “Gosh, that doesn’t seem very nice for you to have to listen to that. Maybe you can tell him not to talk about me to you.” She said, “It’s okay, I am used to him talking like that about you.”