I'm a little behind, so what I say may have already been suggested. If you don't want to be gone all weekend GAL, you don't have to, okay? You can bring friends to your place and have a ball. Just don't use that to make your H feel that he must be there, also. Whenever you plan to have friends over........do it with zero expectations in him, b/c this GAL activity is not about him. You can engage in whatever you enjoy. Plan something with the kids, but do it without him, b/c he will see it as pressure.
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Need more advice: a very close friend suggested that I mention briefly to H that the children are very aware that he is not coming home many nights. My inclination is no, I should not mention this because last time I mentioned the kids, H claimed I was trying to manipulate him by mentioning how D would affect our kids. Surely these wayward spouses realize that their bad behavior impacts their kids. I assume H just does not care - the same as he does not care about my feelings.
I agree with your inclination. He will see this as you using "guilt" to keep him home. It doesn't work.
Do wayward spouses realize their bad behavior impacts their kids? On some level, I think they do........however, it depends on a few things, IMHO.
First of all, I think it depends on his status in this rebellious journey. In other words, during the initial part, and especially, during the height of his rebellion, it is not likely he will respond in a way that shows he is really concerned how his behavior is affecting his children. Partly b/c he sees the kids being tied/connected to that life he wants to escape. He still loves his kids, but currently, he's too self-absorbed, spoiled, and too addicted to the emotional drug he gets from his wayward activities (other women, one night stands, an affair, or whatever inappropriate behavior he chooses). He doesn't want to play the daddy role when it is inconvenient for him (which is most of the time while he is wayward) when he's got all this other going for him. It is amazing just how out of touch the wayward becomes with his fatherly responsibilities when he is emotionally submerged in these wayward activities. He may help provide food & shelter, but he has you there to take good care of his children's emotional needs while he chooses not to show up. The more his guilt button is pressed, the more resentful and rebellious he becomes. Something else may turn him around to see what he is doing to his kids, but it will come through some source other than his W pointing it out to him. And let's be clear......repentance and reformation may follow guilty feelings........but not always. Do you really want a spouse to stay with you just out of guilty feelings?
Second, IMHO, is the individual's depth of moral/spiritual character. Although he may currently be off in the twilight zone and showing anything other than moral character........did he have it instilled as a young person? Was there a pattern or guide set for him, so to speak. I'm not an authority on the subject, by any stretch of the imagination, but we tend to believe people develop their moral character as they grow from child into adulthood. Personally, (and this may be b/c of my spiritual beliefs), I think people can change for the better if they are taught & motivated. They can develop a higher moral standard for themselves, and I wonder if you set the bar a little higher than he was use to reaching......and maybe he was motivated to change b/c he wanted to M you. I don't how deep or shallow the man's morals run. All we can see in him is his bad behavior, and it appears he has lost his moral compass.
As long as he is getting some type of emotional return from his wayward activity, it will be very difficult for him to sukk it up and turn back---if he doesn't have the moral/spiritual structure that beckons him to do the right thing by his wife & kids. Therefore, the people who try to make him feel guilty about his behavior, will be avoided the most by him....especially his W.
Thirdly, and this is very closely related to the second point, is determined, IMHO, by what he experienced growing up.......especially, those in roles of authority in his daily environment, and what was expected/required from him. While growing up at home, if he was not held accountable whenever he chose to ignore anything he didn't want to do.......he is more "at risk". In other words, if he was not taught to respect boundaries or suffer consequences......then why wouldn't he be lazy, spoiled, disrespectful, unreliable, untrustworthy, inconsiderate .........and a host of other undesirable traits? These could be overcome, if he wanted to improve himself.....but I think a person has got to have a lot of self discipline.....or religion. The sad thing is the lack of self discipline is usually high on their list of undesired traits, when it was not required in their youth. This is why many couples have trouble after a few years of M, b/c one of them were spoiled rotten during their youth, and was never made to do anything they didn't want to do.
I think one of your problems in cooping, is due to you comparing him to your own moral character.......or to the character you mistakenly took him to have. I think a lot of M couples do it, and it's gut wrenching for them to see this wayward spouse who has chunked everything that should be the most important. Even wayward spouses who had excellent moral teachers while developing into adults, can reach an emotional crisis point at some time in their lives, and just mess up their lives and the lives of their family........all in the name of finding "happiness" for themselves.
Well, I'll stop here with my thoughts. Continue to be true to yourself and don't settle for less. ((hugs))
Your thoughts are always so insightful. They give me a perspective I had not considered. Thank you for that. I definitely am using my own moral character when thinking how he could be able to do all this without guilt or remorse. He has no moral compass at all, it seems. This is why it is hard for me to understand when people tell me that a WS actually does care but is in so much emotional pain that he/she just spirals out of control. I do not quite understand all that happened to H in his childhood but I do know that he is exhibiting some of the same behaviors of his father based on accounts other family members have given me (particularly the withdrawing and giving me the silent treatment, giving news of big decisions in writing instead of face to face, desiring a D). I do not think the dad stayed out all night but there could very well be information I am just not privy to.
Although H at one point attended church regularly, I do not think he has any type of relationship with God (or any "religion" now). For one, he no longer is interested in even attending church and makes excuses each time I have invited him to attend church with me and the kids (I was inviting him before I came here and realized I should not necessarily be inviting him anywhere). Being a pretty spiritual person myself, this really worries me and I pray it will change.
I hope and pray that he is at the height of his rebellion because, otherwise, he is going to drive me absolutely bananas. However, we are only a few months in so there may be more to come. I am bracing myself for worse and praying for the best. If it gets too much worse, we may need to live separately (not under the same roof in different rooms). I feel like I am already being subjected to mental cruelty and emotional abuse and I am not sure how much more pain I can take. I am praying for strength to endure this journey.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
