Stranger In My House Part 2

[HesAble]

Need more advice: a very close friend suggested that I mention briefly to H that the children are very aware that he is not coming home many nights. My inclination is no, I should not mention this because last time I mentioned the kids, H claimed I was trying to manipulate him by mentioning how D would affect our kids. Surely these wayward spouses realize that their bad behavior impacts their kids. I assume H just does not care - the same as he does not care about my feelings.

Don't mention it. It's not your job to make him a better parent or husband or person. There was a movie that I can't remember the name of where the group of people was being terrorized by a killer. He walked up to one of them and was yelling and screaming, and the person did nothing. Absolutely nothing. No reaction at all. The killer looked confused, and finally walked off. One of the other victims asked what happened, and he said "I made myself invisible". THIS is what EVERY LBS should strive for. Make yourself invisible to your spouse. They want a target for all their hatred and anger and frustration and the LBS is the perfect target. You've got to remove yourself from the equation. Leave him alone, work on yourself, focus solely on you and the kids. Don't talk to him or interact with him except as required to coordinate the kids' needs. If he can't use you as a scapegoat, he'll eventually have no choice but to face his own internal demons that are REALLY causing this.

By the way, you and every other LBS here saying your WAS "does not care" are DEAD WRONG. He cares a lot. He's going through tremendous emotional turmoil right now. There's a battle going on inside him between the old him- faithful husband and father, and this weird alien version of him that is trying to take over. He hates himself, he is racked with guilt, he second-guesses what he is doing constantly. But WAS's are masters of hiding all that and "acting as if" this is what they want. The worst thing you can do is assume he doesn't care because then you have zero empathy for what he is going through.

I am working on being invisible but co-parenting and living under the same roof makes it so difficult. I will take your advice about letting him deal with any issues that develop concerning his relationship with the kids.

Wow, it is just so hard to believe H cares. It is like an alien invaded his body and took away his ability to care about me in particular. It is hard to understand how someone can care about someone's feelings and just act out, staying out all night without a simple text, walking around the house angry and/or withdrawn, etc. I am trying to have empathy but when someone causes you this much pain and shows absolutely no remorse, it is difficult to feel much other than anger, frustration and disgust with them. I am sure he is fighting some inner turmoil, but it is hard to see that when he is acting like a narcissistic college frat boy living in my basement.