what DB approaches are right for me?

[oceangrl]

OG... No one wanted out more than my wife. If you read my sitch, she was so far gone I had to start mourning her. Even when her EA ended, she started looking for EA#2. She even put up a public profile on a dating site, picture and all, explaining how she couldn't date yet but that her marriage was over and she would be able to date in the near future.

DBing works. In my case it turned my sitch around. As I embraced what she wanted 2 things happened: I started to accept it and be at ease with it. And she started to doubt that it was really what she wanted.

Focus on you. Let him figure out his own stuff.

Wow. Can you tell me what specific DB approaches you used? I mean, I know you have said GAL and detaching. I am wondering if you did things from the DR book, like making goals, acting "as if," etc. Sometimes it gets so confusing in my head trying to juggle it all.

I will keep working on myself and detaching. It is still hard, but I am way better at it than the codependent, pursuing mess I was before.

I stuck pretty close to the book. Acting "as if" works wonders.

The only things I did off script was talk and touch charges. But those do not work on all sitches so be careful with them

My 180s were the biggest things I did. I had gotten bitter, angry and mean. Turning around on that bad behavior and being consistent in it eventually paid dividends.

But GAL and detaching were huge. She went from not caring where I was or what I was doing, to constantly asking me what was wrong. I would always answer in a very upbeat "nothing is wrong, things are great". That confused the heck out of her.

That makes sense, thanks! I have been working hard on this. And when I get discouraged and hopeless, instead of pursuing him and wanting reassurances like the sad sack I used to be, I go in the bathroom and pull myself together instead. I take a minute and breathe and cry if i need to. Sometimes I've done jumping jacks haha.

He ignored me friday and saturday. And then on sunday he was so nice to me and even gave me a kiss on my check before he left for something. I was like ????? BUT.... before I would have jumped at those breadcrumbs and jumped back on the emotional roller coaster. This time I just accepted what he offered, and then went right back to my new headspace. You know, maybe it means something positive, maybe it doesn't. I do know he isn't one to do anything he doesn't want to. If he needs affection he just goes to the kids.

I also don't change in front of him. I change in the bathroom. It just helps me feel more empowered and more mysterious. He doesn't get that part of me right now. No cake and eating it too, buddy. He has told me he has noticed I am a different person in the past year. I have been working on my 180s. But before this site I was still pursuing and pressuring so he knew I was always an option. Needy and desperate fit me to the core.

Are you talk and touch charges from Mort Fortel? I've listened to his stuff, and he has some good ideas to offer that I feel complement DB. Not everything, of course.

Fighting the hopeless waves that come at times are the hardest. But I do feel I am progressing.