Living in a small community and having this happen has finally made me feel humiliated and ashamed.
Why? What have you done wrong? That's on her.
I mean... yeah... I get where you are coming from, AS, and at some point you need to be able to have that "WTF, forget that cheating liar and her scuzzbag AP... I'm the man!" attitude, but, at the same time, I completely sympathize with the way P feels right now. I was in the exact same place, and i don't even live in a small community (far from it-- MAJOR metro area). It's natural, as a man, to feel ashamed that another man has "taken" your woman... it's a territorial thing... I'd question the masculinity of a man who DIDN'T feel that way, at least initially.
Yes you are quite right, we all do have similar feelings early on! Shame that we may have contributed to this situation, remorse that we didn't do better, etc. It is of course normal to feel that way. It takes time but we eventually emerge from the fog and realize we're not the terrible husband our WAS has painted us to be, and that while we may have contributed to them feeling that way, what they are going through is really more about them than it is about us. When we finally see that, then we also see that their behavior in BD and after is really pretty reprehensible. They are throwing away a decades-long family investment to pursue a fantasy. Meanwhile we are working hard on ourselves and our M to try to salvage it. All I'm saying is from the outside looking in, people see a loyal, faithful spouse trying very hard to save their M, and a cheating, adulterous spouse who seems utterly oblivious to the carnage they are causing to everyone they claim to love. I just tried to say it in as few words as possible, possibly too few
