Need more advice: a very close friend suggested that I mention briefly to H that the children are very aware that he is not coming home many nights. My inclination is no, I should not mention this because last time I mentioned the kids, H claimed I was trying to manipulate him by mentioning how D would affect our kids. Surely these wayward spouses realize that their bad behavior impacts their kids. I assume H just does not care - the same as he does not care about my feelings.
I was in the same boat as you. We told the kids H was busy at work....going out at night was for work..etc. and I got really anxious about them finding out that H is not sleeping at home. I told H that we should tell the kids and H refused. I accidentally slipped and said something to the kids afterwards and H flipped and said I was trying to ambush him. Anyway, it went on for awhile- and I stopped lying for him. When the kids asked I’d just say I don’t know where daddy is.
Ultimately H was the one that dropped the bomb in front of the kids. And I was the still the one that pushed for the talk with the children afterwards, because H thought there was no need still!!! The talk happened, but I could tell H was so overridden with guilt that he could not handle it. I actually saw him smirk a little when I was talking to S10 about the possibility of divorce!! Before DB I would’ve blown up seeing that smirk, but I didn’t. At that moment I knew that he was not right. I know he loves the kids and would do anything for them, so his attitude told me that he was totally not himself.
I think if my H didn’t drop the bomb in front of the kids, I would’ve decided to tell the kids soon anyway whether he liked it or not - I was planning to say something to H such as: “I know the kids have questions and I don’t want to lie to them. Let me know if you want to be part of the conversation. I’ve decided that I will talk to them at X time, and I plan on telling them X. “
Some vets recommend not saying anything until any decision is made because kids need certainty. But for my own sitch I felt my oldest was already uncertain about what’s happening and it would not be right to keep pretending everything is ok when clearly he knows it’s not. I can see my S10 is going through some huge emotions lately now that he knows, but he wouldn’t talk to me about what’s on his mind. My other two are younger so they seem ok so far.
