Need more advice: a very close friend suggested that I mention briefly to H that the children are very aware that he is not coming home many nights. My inclination is no, I should not mention this because last time I mentioned the kids, H claimed I was trying to manipulate him by mentioning how D would affect our kids. Surely these wayward spouses realize that their bad behavior impacts their kids. I assume H just does not care - the same as he does not care about my feelings.
Don't mention it. It's not your job to make him a better parent or husband or person. There was a movie that I can't remember the name of where the group of people was being terrorized by a killer. He walked up to one of them and was yelling and screaming, and the person did nothing. Absolutely nothing. No reaction at all. The killer looked confused, and finally walked off. One of the other victims asked what happened, and he said "I made myself invisible". THIS is what EVERY LBS should strive for. Make yourself invisible to your spouse. They want a target for all their hatred and anger and frustration and the LBS is the perfect target. You've got to remove yourself from the equation. Leave him alone, work on yourself, focus solely on you and the kids. Don't talk to him or interact with him except as required to coordinate the kids' needs. If he can't use you as a scapegoat, he'll eventually have no choice but to face his own internal demons that are REALLY causing this.
By the way, you and every other LBS here saying your WAS "does not care" are DEAD WRONG. He cares a lot. He's going through tremendous emotional turmoil right now. There's a battle going on inside him between the old him- faithful husband and father, and this weird alien version of him that is trying to take over. He hates himself, he is racked with guilt, he second-guesses what he is doing constantly. But WAS's are masters of hiding all that and "acting as if" this is what they want. The worst thing you can do is assume he doesn't care because then you have zero empathy for what he is going through.
