Today I am trying to sort all of my feelings—expectations from hopes. I was sad a lot this week. I felt pressure (from everywhere and nowhere) to give up hope for a possible future R. I hear DnJ saying, don't let anyone take away your hope!
I do empathize with your feelings of giving up on hope for a possible future R.
Don’t let anyone take away your hope. (Hmmm that does sound like good advice. I’d listen to that guy. He also sounds rather dashing and handsome. Hahahahaha.)
The pressure you feel to give up hope is normal. You are looking within to your expectations and hopes. What you are looking upon is your desires. Then cataloging them - wishes, hopes, and expectations. Acknowledge and validate where and what each desire is; fantasy, time based, etc...
A lot of the pressure one feels comes from unmet desires; from expectations. If you look at what is driving your pressure I think you will find things like - I thought he’d be further along by now, therefore it must be over or not going to happen. Bah! Remove the timeframe. Expectations are hope with a timeline. Remove the time reference and make them hopes.
This is a hurdle everyone faces along their path. Fears get stirred up and mix into this as well. One makes irrational connections and leaps in logic and emotions. Remain intellectual while working through this cataloging. It takes time. And is well worth it.
Getting a solid grasp upon your hopes helps with detachment and dealing with H’s cold then friendly mood shifts. Like you are seeing this week.
H stayed home and engaged in one of his longest and enjoyable conversations since BD. That is good. You did well conversing with him, and acknowledging his good behaviour - giving him your full attention when he is behaving and deserving of it. Keep you expectations at zero.
You want to encourage the good behaviour and ignore the bad. I would read that book he offered to you. At some future time the two of you might just talk about it. When he asks if you need anything from the store, it’s ok to ask for something or even suggest going along. Just keep thing light and without pressure.
A few more tidbit of DnJ guidance if you like:
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During the convo, all my love for him came to the surface again, and I realized I am going through all this no matter the outcome because I cannot wont choose not to. I still love him so much.
A more accurate statement probably is:
Quote
During the convo, all my love for him came to the surface again, and I realized I am going through all this no matter the outcome because I cannot choose not want to. I still love him so much.
There is nothing wrong with choosing to stand. Like hope - no one gets to take away your right to choose.
Cannot choose - no way. You are not weak. You can and are choosing. And I believe choosing very well!
Indifference is a milestone upon the LBS path, not a final destination. Yes those feelings do surface and then get placed away again. Eventually the indifference becomes longer and longer.
I found that after letting go, working through fear, finding acceptance and forgiveness, my feelings of love can and do return without the pain and sadness they dredged up while in thick of things. I do love W/XW in an indifferent kind of way.
Originally Posted by cardinal
I also realized I have gotten good at maintaining indifference toward alien H, to his coldness, but I am not as well-equipped to maintain that indifference when facing, unexpectedly, a change in that behaviour for the better. I know my hopes have gotten higher—I was in a wonderful mood all weekend, and now I feel sort of mad and disappointed. I still expect him to file. I recognize that it's fantasy that he won't, one in a million. But I find myself more invested in the other possibility that, if he does, maybe before it is final, his feelings will change.
Yes maintaining indifference to changes in behaviour takes time to figure out.
Your feelings remaining neutral is one part. The other part is keeping your expectations from growing.
Originally Posted by cardinal
I know my hopes have gotten higher
Hopes seem to get higher because they are feeling more real - a sign of moving a desire from hope to expectation.
Originally Posted by cardinal
I was in a wonderful mood all weekend, and now I feel sort of mad and disappointed. I still expect him to file. I recognize that it's fantasy that he won't, one in a million.
A couple of things.
You expect him to file. Why? Set expectations to zero. Hope he doesn’t and keep moving forward.
A fantasy if he doesn’t. One in a million. Again why? Because you expect him to file.
Both of these - expectation and fantasy - turn them into hopes.
Do you see how expecting him to file places a deadline on your hope? And a deadline does just that - kills hope.
The expecting him to file also moves your hope of no filing into the fantasy realm, which bring in 1 in a million thinking.
Best to just keep hope alive and move forward. And by the way, all of what you are doing, is part of figuring out how to keep hope alive. So well done on looking inward.
And yes, this is a marathon not a sprint. Focus on you and keep deadlines out of your healing and growth. This will take as long as it takes.
Hang in there. You are doing fine.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
