Last night was the first time I dreamt since all this started, and every single dream had H in it. I kept waking myself up because even there I didn't want to be trapped in the same room as him for an extended period of time. I'm guessing because of the IC session. She had my head in a twist over all of this.
This morning was Day 4 of H telling me exactly where he's going, who with, and if he's coming home whether he's with OW or not completely with out prompting. I don't ask. I don't want to engage in that. And I don't really care because the answer is 85% of the time with OW. So there's no need. I don't know if I should be mad at the disrespect of him openly saying "hey catching a movie with OW" as if there's no shame in it, or if I should be happy that he's finally doing what I asked of him like 5 weeks ago and not lying about it or just throwing "I'm GOING OUT" at me like I'm his mother and he's an extra angsty teen in my house. I told him 5 weeks ago (I just need to repeat that) even if I don't like it I can take it and then I don't have to lie to our kids and I don't have to wonder if he's dead. His response 5 weeks ago was "Well there's a slim chance I'm dead so I don't know why you're worried and if they ask say I'm out." They are practically grown. How long was "out" supposed to work for? I eventually just started saying IDK, and leave it. But 5 weeks ago I also said don't embarrass me in public and since he's heading to a movie tonight I'm sure that request H hasn't really thought about yet.
This is also been the 7th day in a row of him texting me out of no where. And Day 5 of me no longer responding to informational texts
I feel like every damn day it's something new with him. And once I've learned how to ignore one behavior he starts a new weird one that makes me feel like a detachment failure. Like can't I just have a week of our own version of the status quo? Just a little time where I know he's leaving the house to be with her Tuesday, Friday and Saturday nights. And Wednesday and Thursday he's home pretending things are semi-normal. And Sunday/Monday I'll take the grabbag. Can't we just stay in that pattern with out him needing to throw in weird stuff for a couple of weeks so I can maintain my bearings?
