Good morning, all. I am in some need of guidance this week, if you're reading.
After my little insights on Friday, if you can even call them that (well, I definitely think the confirmation that he's cut back drastically on drinking, which I'd already observed, counts), I entered curiously into the three-day weekend, wondering if H would keep up his new pattern of staying home or go back to his post-BD schedule of staying out late (or not coming home).
Not only did he stay in at night and much of the day, but he engaged me in the longest and most enjoyable conversation we've had since BD 7 months ago, just talking about a thing we both loved and were excited about. Like old times. Like old H. He made eye contact a few times. I kept thinking the convo was over, he would go into the other room, and then come back and re-initiate it. I was occupied with my own work, but every time he engaged me, I made it a point to give him my full attention and let him choose to either continue or end the conversation. It ended with him giving me a book of his to borrow that he'd said at the beginning of the convo he was planning to read—he'd just bought it for his ipad, he said, so I could take it. (This felt so much like something he would've done when we were dating.)
He found other little ways over the last few days to engage with me when his norm is avoiding anything more than hellos. Let me know bits of his schedule. For the first time in months, said he was going to the store and asked me if I needed anything. Has been increasingly affectionate with the pets in contrast to his usual indifference. I left for the store at one point and didn't say anything, since I've long-adopted his leaving-without-saying-anything behavior.
During the convo, all my love for him came to the surface again, and I realized I am going through all this no matter the outcome because I cannot choose not to. I still love him so much.
I also realized I have gotten good at maintaining indifference toward alien H, to his coldness, but I am not as well-equipped to maintain that indifference when facing, unexpectedly, a change in that behavior for the better. I know my hopes have gotten higher—I was in a wonderful mood all weekend, and now I feel sort of mad and disappointed. I still expect him to file. I recognize that it's fantasy that he won't, one in a million. But I find myself more invested in the other possibility that, if he does, maybe before it is final, his feelings will change.
It is hard to not see all of these little developments as positive, even as I wish I could remain more indifferent to them internally.
I have so much empathy for those of you who are constantly getting warm, friendly spouses, only to have them switch back. I'm not used to this friendliness, to not feeling resentment and anger emanating from him. I think I need to double down on always letting him engage me, focusing on my own life, etc. Maybe he really is noticing that I'm doing that. And if not, well, it's good for me anyway. Reading Gerda's words on canbird's thread about marathons vs. sprints and adjusting vision from days/weeks/months to years is helpful. I just haven't gotten there yet.
Any thoughts or encouragement would be much appreciated. I hope you all are hanging in there.
