Bud, I did the MC thing. At first it was just my W agreeing so she could check it off the list things we tried. In my case, working with the C, it turned more into IC for me with my W present. Which I think helped my sitch because she could see that the 180s I was implementing were getting cemented in therapy. When she decided she was going to recommit to the marriage, it turned into more traditional MC. That was due to the flexibility of the C. If you do go through with MC do not settle for a less than ideal C.
Thanks Steve85. How are things with your relationship now? My wife is just going to help me to come to terms with it but my inital reason was to go to try and fix or talk about it (I know is this is wrong)
What are the 180s?
Did you also do the DBing techniques that everyone has advised?
Lots of really good advice. Just want to make sure I do the right thing.
My R is in reconciling and piecing, and has been for almost 2 years (she recommitted to the marriage in March of 2018.)
Stop initiating all R talks. If she initiates one then listen and validate.
180s are reversing course on bad behavior. In sitch I had isolated myself from years. We were two individuals living in the same house. I started to reengage in the home dynamic. I was bitter, angry and resentful. I became someone that was pleased, upbeat, happy and cheerful. I pouted and used passive-aggressive behavior when I didn't get my way. I became someone that remained even if I didn't get my way. (Look up NIce Guy Sydrome.) Anything you do that is negative and destructive, 180 on that! And note, even thought I had isolated myself prior to BD doesn't mean I shouldn't have been detached and GAL. Detachment is not isolation. GAL just means you are busy. Lots of LBSs get tied up on this and think "I was unavailable prior to BD, how does detachment and GAL help?" Don't be that guy.
Yes, on day 2 of my sitch I remembered DB from my first sitch in 2005. And I got started on doubling-down on DBing to the best of my ability.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
