I worked on some validating tonight and the conversation actually felt like progress. Not much but it was different.
Great! As Michele says in DR, progress is measured in baby steps rather than giant leaps.
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I’m currently looking for a new Job so I don’t have to work at the same place as my wife and the OM. It is hard to keep my head on straight seeing them work together everyday. They basically share one large cubicle and work alone in their building for the first 2 hours of the day. Needless to say it is very hard to work there. I think getting out of there will help me a lot.
I agree, sounds like a good idea.
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Tonight she said what is keeping her from wanting to work on the marriage is she doesn’t believe I can stop my controlling behavior. She says she has always felt she had to get my permission to do anything. I told her that I understand why she felt that way and it was not a healthy relationship that we had and I had been controlling in our marriage.
OK well that's a step in the right direction but keep in mind that validating is NOT accepting blame. It is seeking to understand and acknowledge her feelings. It's not agreeing/ disagreeing/ negotiating/ reasoning/ explaining/ etc. So she says she doesn't think you can stop your controlling behavior, you say something like "you sound frustrated about this, is that how you feel?" (seek to understand her feelings) "Yes it's been very frustrating and it makes me angry, it's been going on for years." "I hear you saying you've been frustrated and angry (mirror back) for years, I am sorry you've been struggling with this." Note that you're not saying you're sorry that you did something wrong, you are simply acknowledging her feelings and allowing her to have them. Most husbands spend so much time trying to argue and convince their wife their feelings are wrong that validation will seem like a shocking change to the wife and she won't trust that it's genuine for quite some time.
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I have been trying to reconnect with her since I have basically been absent for the last couple years emotionally. Drinking too much watching too much tv being lazy. I don’t want her to leave the house with that image of me in her mind. I’m trying to be the best me for these last few months before she leaves.
That's good, just don't be too pushy or apply pressure to her. Do try and be the best you that you can be, but don't parade it in front of her like "look at how good I am now!" Do it for you and make the changes permanent. Stop the drinking, stop the TV-watching, stop being lazy. Get out and do stuff instead. NOT FOR HER though! To her it's all "too little too late." With time her attitude may change, but not in the short term.
