Leave it. Just leave it alone. They look at it as an invasion of privacy. Ridiculous I know but that’s the view in their eyes. You’ll get “I can have eyes can’t I?” “Can’t I have friends?” He’ll point out guys in your social media that you went to grade school with and don’t actually even interact with.
EXACTLY. It's classic "gaslighting". Now I am not saying to ignore what he does, I am just saying don't confront him about it. It's all information that you should take seriously, it's an indication of who he is right now and how you should deal with him. So while you don't confront him, you log it all mentally and remind yourself that your old H is gone and this lying, cheating interloper has taken his place for now. Your old H may come back, that's what you should hope for. But you've got to deal with the interloper for now, and how you deal with that should be radically different than how you would deal with your old H.
Originally Posted by wayfarer
Deactivating my FB has been the best thing for my mental health recently. I know it’s happening. I know where he’s going and what he’s doing. But I’m not watching him put the needle in his arm so to speak. I won’t do it any more because while it kills me, it killing me means jack to him right now.
Amen! You have to protect yourself from the alien. If and when your old spouse returns then you can decide what to do at that time. But that is probably way down the road.
Originally Posted by HesAble
Yes, anger is an emotiom that keeps creeping up for me. I also want to remind H that not only is he being a terrible H, but he is being a neglectful father and terrible role model for our children. They are probably so confused. He needs to figure out how to explain his behavior because I am not covering for him.
Of course you are angry, you have every right to be! You're experiencing a rainbow of emotions, that's part of this. Don't fight your feelings, let them happen. If you like to read then I would suggest The Happiness Trap, it really helped me early on in my sitch in learning how to deal with my wild emotional swings. You should definitely not cover for him, but try not to throw him under the bus either. Whenever it came up in convos with my kids, I always told them the same things- it's not about them, their mom and I both love them very much and no matter what happened to our M we would both always be there to support them. Kids don't usually understand what's going on and tend to blame themselves. They are afraid of being abandoned more than anything. So they need constant reassurances.
Originally Posted by HesAble
I also want to remind H that not only is he Also has anyone suggested IC to their wayward spouse? I want to bring it up am but am sure it will backfire. I suggested MC which of course he refused because he wants a D.
No, don't do it. Right now he thinks everything is your fault and that you are the one that needs counseling. If you tell him to get into counseling he'll see it as you blaming him for everything, and needless to say that won't go over well. Plus most IC's just listen and validate, so they will just tell him what he wants to hear and probably push him to file for D sooner rather than later.
