Kristin, she simply is not in a position to reconcile yet. I'm not sure she's even begun the work she needs to do on herself. I really don't think she has.
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She said that she is feeling like it is pointless and that she is trying so hard but doesn't think that I see or appreciate her hard work.
That is quite a display of immaturity. She HAD AN AFFAIR!!! And she expects you to acknowledge her one or two weeks of minimal effort and applaud her and appreciate her for it? PLEASE! Again, she has a lot of work she needs to do and you really need to give her time and space to do it.
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She asked me to come over to stay with her and that she wants me with her always. I went.
For your sake and her sake, don't go anymore. You both need time and space to reflect and do some work. You're just being good ol' reliable Plan B to her. I know it's hard not to get drawn in, but you've got to resist.
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I wish I could be stronger and just walk away. I'm so tired at this point, but I also know that I still haven't reached that point of "ok, I'm done with this. I don't want you anymore".
It's not a matter of you not wanting her anymore. If you want her then you will do the right thing and let her go for now. Either you be strong now or remain stuck for a very long time.
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She said she doesn't even want to kiss me and that she knows I need intimacy and wants me to be happy. I tried to show her that I understand her fears, and that I am certain if AP was truly out of the picture, her feelings might start to change on that front. Chemical releases of affair highs and so on and so forth. I have explained these to her in the past and she thinks it's just one arbitrary study and all a bunch of hogwash.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Not explanations.
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It does hurt that she kept saying that she was finally feeling like we were getting somewhere and she was finding it easier to let go of AP before my emotional reactions the other night. Since that night, she said that she can't feel that way about me and that her feelings have moved back toward AP.
She's controlling and manipulating you.
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WW also said she wants for me to fight for us - that she needs to feel like I really want her. WW has expressed a good deal of shame and not feeling like she deserves either one of us.
Forget shame, what she needs to feel is remorse. She can feel shame while still feeling JUSTIFIED, which she probably does. She likely sees this as your fault. The LAST thing you want to do is pursue her. She wants YOU to fight? She's the one that left you and had an affair! SHE needs to be doing the pursuing! YOU are the prize, you are the loyal spouse. She's the lying cheater, she's the one that needs to repent and work on herself and pursue you.
PLEASE try to understand all of this. You're caught in a very toxic dynamic that is eating you alive and you need to break out of it. If you want to save your R and save yourself then first you must let go of her.
