Thank you cardinal and May!!! Playing board games with the kids tonight. They asked for him to join for one before “going out” he said no and left. He’s god knows where. And guess what We’re having a ball even though they were a lil hurt you can do this HesAble!!
I've been struggling with that too. I'm a homebody. So at first going out all weekend was killing me. This is going to sound so stupid but please bear with me. I saw a psychic and she said it's my home. I know I want to be there. He doesn't that's his problem. She "saw" that I had stopped cooking. I love cooking but cooking to me means love so I stopped after BD. She said get back in that kitchen and cook, listen to YOUR music. Sing, dance. Fill that space with you. And god was she right. I've found out GALing isn't just being out. I live in a place with a lot of snow so I've had to hunker down a couple of weekends. I plan what I'm going to do and do it. I'm going to read. I'm going to cook. I'm going to live the hell in my home and not on eggshells. The teens come in my room and lay in bed and watch movies with me if I'm not hauling them around. Last snow in I took over the main bathroom for hours to take a lovely bath with candles. I realized as I was soaking it was a big not intentional FU to the H. You wanna get ready to go see your gf better grab your crap and find a good mirror 'cause this is my bathroom right now. Also I guess you're washing up in the sink to go out. It wasn't intentionally petty. It was me refusing to not live in my own house. I make sure I go out at least 1 night. Just to prove that I have a damn life too. But honestly taking my home back really helped with detaching. Hard to care what he's doing with a glass of wine in a lavender bath.
Wayfarer, such excellent points. GAL does not have to mean going out. Just because H HATES being home does not mean I have to! I am going to work on reclaiming my space. H has taken enough of my joy.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
I got your message....I don't see any issue with the posting you are questioning. However, I'm going to remove a couple of things about him. Go back in and read it and let me know. Unfortunately, that is your first posting on the thread and I haven't been able to remove it completely, so if you want something else changed, tell me what you want posted and I'll be happy to edit the posting a bit more.
If I were you, I would go over all of my postings in that first thread and make sure you don't have any identifiers that would send up red flags for him, if he should come here.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I got your message....I don't see any issue with the posting you are questioning. However, I'm going to remove a couple of things about him. Go back in and read it and let me know. Unfortunately, that is your first posting on the thread and I haven't been able to remove it completely, so if you want something else changed, tell me what you want posted and I'll be happy to edit the posting a bit more.
If I were you, I would go over all of my postings in that first thread and make sure you don't have any identifiers that would send up red flags for him, if he should come here.
Thanks. I saw your post about including too much personal info and got a little nervous.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
I thought you had gotten nervous about my posting.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I listened to a podcast on limerance. Although I have not confirmed there is an OW, H has all the behavioral characteristics of someone in limerance.
I am fed up and ready to give up. H has not been home all weekend and I have not heard from him since Friday when I left home for work. This gets so old. There is not enough DBing, GALing and 180ing in the world. I really truly admire those who have been able to stand for their marriages for many months and even years. I will keep praying for the strength to stand, but I am so frustrated and tired.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
And as for being upbeat and fun around H...it is impossible to be that way 100% of the time when he is constantly pissing me off. The best I can manage is being civil and cordial 100% of the time which he truly does not deserve.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
And as for being upbeat and fun around H...it is impossible to be that way 100% of the time when he is constantly pissing me off. The best I can manage is being civil and cordial 100% of the time which he truly does not deserve.
I’ve never acted upbeat and fun in front of H for him. If I happen to upbeat and fun it was because I was having fun with the kids. It feels too fake for me if I try to act that way in front of H just to show him. I do the same thing that you do, being cordial and civil. I also don’t GAL in terms of going out at night and spending time outside of the house. I can do it a few times/month but generally I rather stay home at night. I think part of this is you find what kind of DBing works for you.
I’ve been in your shoes...fed up and ready to give up. Give yourself time to determine if that is a feeling that could change, or it is a decision that you’ve arrived at after you’ve done all your thinking. Patience....hang in there.
This marriage has definitely been a crash course in learning to be patient. I am trying to think with my head not my emotions but some days are harder than others.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
Hi HesAble-- I just posted on KG's thread that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger-- imagine how f-ing strong we are going to be on the back side of all of this!!
You are going through a ridiculous situation and are handling it with immense strength and composure. When you look back at this time years from now, no matter what happens, you will be proud of yourself and how you took care of your kids and your family even when your H went bonkers. (That is one of the drivers for me... what do I want to remember about myself and my own behavior years down the line?)
Here's another suggestion-- in terms of taking back your space-- are there things you can do physically to reclaim your space? something I did after the first BD is I got all new bedding for the MB, stuff *I* liked and had wanted for some time but knew he didn't really like. If he's not going to participate, do what you want in your own house. Use the DVR for your own stuff. Reorganize your kitchen to make sense for how you use it, not him. (I also gave away all my sports shirts from his teams, which might have been petty, but felt really good and I know it stung him.)
Also, I second Wooba's rec to have the upbeat/fun you show through when you're actually feeling it with your kids. Otherwise I think polite is fine. I think I was actually too focused on my H earlier on-- he said he saw me walking on eggshells and trying to keep him happy, which I think didn't help him to respect me. Now I'm happy when I feel happy and polite but distant when I don't, and can have fun with the kids and his parents when he's there but when they go to bed I close up shop. Mostly because that is how I feel, but also (more than I probably want to admit) I think it demonstrates to him that I am a fun and happy person but that I don't need him to be that way.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
you can do this HesAble!!