Through The Storm III

[may22]

Hi KG,

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right? Think of how f-ing strong you are going to be on the back side of this

Tons of support and love your way, and a few thoughts...

One thing that is eating at her is the fear that the intimacy we used to have will never come back. She said she doesn't even want to kiss me and that she knows I need intimacy and wants me to be happy. I tried to show her that I understand her fears, and that I am certain if AP was truly out of the picture, her feelings might start to change on that front. Chemical releases of affair highs and so on and so forth. I have explained these to her in the past and she thinks it's just one arbitrary study and all a bunch of hogwash.

I had an interesting insight via a conversation I had with H last night. He says all the same stuff-- this is all hogwash, arbitrary, gets angry when I bring up studies or similar situations. Last night we were talking about how he might end it with AP and I read him a passage from Esther Perel's book about affairs and the chapter about the APs. She describes a scenario where the H had been in a 7-yr affair with a much younger woman and how he was able to set her free *because* he loved her. There was a line that said he had been stealing years of her fertility that she wouldn't get back. My H totally glommed onto that... well in my case AP doesn't want kids (sure) so this really doesn't apply.

Then he said he was having a hard time here because every time we talk about another situation, or read about commonalities or studies or whatever, he will latch onto something that doesn't quite fit, and then uses that to question the fit of the entire construct. He realizes he's doing this, but then also said to me that he feels *I* don't get it, that I am trying to reduce his experience to a cliche in a book or a piece of data in a study and it feels like I don't understand him or want to understand him. That (this was in a raised voice) until I understood that no one in the world has ever been in this exact same situation as the three of us are then he just can't talk to me. It all of a sudden came to me that he's been trying to tell me this for a long time. He keeps pushing on how he feels and dismissing the data because he wants to be heard and that it is invalidating and probably demeaning to feel like I'm just shoving him in a box of sad 40 year old cheaters who are at the mercy of chemicals flooding their brains. I feel like I've been understanding where he is intellectually, and also it is easier (of course) to think about his love for AP as a series of dopamine hits and a fantasy... but for him it is real and his lived experience.

So maybe... your W is in a same place? Listening and validating so she feels heard and understood? She doesn't want you to solve her problem (telling her don't worry, the studies all say...) but wants to know you get it? And you're scared too? (I *really* need to learn to do better here. The MC we are seeing right now for discernment called us both out and said he thinks we're both good at mouthing the words of validation but we aren't actually trying to listen and understand the other person. Ouch... but too true.)

It does hurt that she kept saying that she was finally feeling like we were getting somewhere and she was finding it easier to let go of AP before my emotional reactions the other night. Since that night, she said that she can't feel that way about me and that her feelings have moved back toward AP. Just journaling. These things obviously hurt to hear, but I am level headed enough to know that she is clearly still in delusional land in her head. Part of me feels like she was subconsciously looking for a reason to say "Well, I tried and it just didn't work with KG. My feelings for AP are so real and true". WW also said she wants for me to fight for us - that she needs to feel like I really want her. WW has expressed a good deal of shame and not feeling like she deserves either one of us.

Not fair of her to put this back on you. Glad you aren't letting yourself get pulled into her crazytown. You're not allowed to be emotional in this? C'mon. That is totally ridiculous. Of *course* she feels crappy. Of *course* she is tired and ashamed and emotionally spent. SO ARE YOU! If she really wants to try to make this work she is going to have to have some empathy for where YOU are in all of this, not just focus on her own pain and get frustrated when you're not responding quickly enough to her overtures, not making her feel wanted enough (this is a long-standing major issue for my H too).

It sounds to me... she just isn't mentally quite there yet to fully commit to R. Your plan sounds right... continue to detach and prepare yourself to be just fine no matter the outcome. You know it is true. You are strong and funny and wise and kind. You *are* and have been fighting for your M for all this time. Don't let her needs distract you from what you know to be right and what you need to do for you.