Things are progressing okay. There's been no drama at all about the kids, housework, money - nothing like that. It's been a very demanding week for both of us and I feel like we've worked well together as a team.
I've been struggling a bit. I can't say it's because of H's behaviour. He's been a little more distant but it's because he's been working anti social hours and is tired. Me too. But he's not been unpleasant or cold or critical. He's been talking to me about what's happening for him at work. Talking about a future, new projects, new things to do - and including me in those plans. All of that is good.
It's me. I've been struggling with fear. Wondering, always 'well, what if he's just pretending he's happy but he's actually seething with resentment and I'm going to catch it at the weekend,' and when I feel like that, I know I get a bit grumpy and distant and wary and that is as likely to trigger him to be distant or critical himself as anything else. I've also been remembering how much dishonesty there was about his EA and how extensive and calculated some of his lying was. And that for most of it, I didn't really suspect anything. I knew things weren't right between us - we were both very unhappy - but I had no idea that one of his responses was to seek closeness with someone else. I didn't have a clue. That makes me scared. He could be doing the same thing now and I'd never know. I don't have any solid reason in his behaviour today and these last months that I have anything to worry about in that direction. This is old stuff to do with the past. But it is there and I am sad that it is there.
He's been asking me how I feel, and wanting to 'work on the honesty' but I know expressing unease or worry or insecurity is a massive trigger for him and he's as likely to respond with unpleasantness as he is to be reassuring. And I haven't wanted to load him up with what's going on in my head as he's been so burdened at work (as have I). We also agreed to lay the past behind us, so I don't think disclosing all this in the interests of honesty is a good idea. Or that it is fair: I do need to work on my own healing.
