Had IC today and I think I might need to find a new one. She offers a lot with helping me with detachment techniques. She offers a lot when it comes to beating myself up over this when I slip. Or get into the whole I deserve this because of who I was in past relationships, or because I didn’t catch this soon enough, or ignored red flags or should’ve walked away 7 years ago and we wouldn’t be here. But she keeps insisting on boundaries that don’t feel like boundaries. They feel like ultimatums or giving up on this marriage not standing. Like: how long can you live like this? How long can you live like this with him in your house? Isn’t staying in limbo putting you’re whole life in hold?
On top of that I come to these boards to get support and vent because I know the day to day mess is too much for the couple of friends I let in. And I can’t reach out to my IC 24/7. I’m not in crisis. My husband is, and every day with him ranges from agonizing to annoying as hell. But sometimes I feel like what’s the point of standing at all. So few people reconcile. And from what I can see anecdotally it looks like WW seem to come back far more often than a WH. Trust me I’m not doing all this for him to come back into this marriage. I genuinely lost myself in my depression and this relationship. All the DBing is for me to keep going forward in my life. To keep my mind off his mess. To truly detach. But I keep the hope that maybe something is working on drawing him back in. And that’s really what I’m wondering if there’s any point to. Should I really just stand here and wait? Does he deserve me constantly holding it together? Does he deserve my loyalty at all? Is him reengaging and all the work that we’d need to do to piece this back together worth it?
I know those are both contradictory paragraphs. But today I feel all over the place. Honestly confused about what I really want. And what I’m trying to accomplish here. I don’t want to give up on him or our marriage. But I don’t want to waste time not moving on either since he’s running as quickly as he can to start over.
